Oh hi.

It's been cold, really cold.

The fan in my room hasn't been turned on for two days, that's how cold it is. The rain started on Friday night, I remember because I was stuck in the club for an hour because of it, and hasn't stopped since then. Sleep has been good, so good that good dreams are slowly coming back to me.

Woke up today from one of the many, to a name and a number. Connie, and a number that isn't in use.

The dream's really simple, but a little complicated. Irony. I have no idea how it all started, but I sent her home in a cab or by my friend's car. We chatted on the way back to her home, she was hilarious. I sent her to her home's lift and asked for her number. That's all that I can remember from that dream. I really thought it was reality, but then I woke up from it. As always, I felt really upset. 

Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I.

Cause with the morning, comes the rest of my life.

And with this empty glass, I will break the past.

Cause with the morning, I can open my eyes.

I want this to be, my awakening.

I give this one to you, an anthem full of truth.

I tell you now, an epic tale, of what you've put me through.

And even though you don't, deserve one of your own.

A melody, a song about the life that you let go.

I can't believe that I still care enough to write.

Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I.

Cause with the morning, comes the rest of my life.

And with this empty glass, I will break the past.

Cause with the morning, I can open my eyes.

I want this to be, my awakening.

Yes I miss you still, and probably always will.

I'm living with a busted heart, that I will have until,

I find the strength I know, it's somewhere in my bones.

To pull the curtain up, and get on with this show.. 

At least you know I still care enough to write.

Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I.

Cause with the morning, comes the rest of my life. 

And with this empty glass, I will break the past.

Cause with the morning, I can open my eyes.

And maybe I will see, a different destiny.

Like knowing at all, was only a bad dream.

I want this to be, my awakening.

No rest for the wicked, they say.

Forgive me if I try to change,

No rest for the wicked, they say.

Forgive me if I try to change.

Bottoms up tonight, I drink to you and I.

Cause with the morning, comes the rest of my life.

And with this empty glass, I will break the past.

Cause with the morning, I can open my eyes.

And maybe I will see, a different destiny.

Like knowing you at all, was only a bad dream.

I want this to be, my awakening.

I want this to be my awakening. I want to finally break free from everything I've put myself through in the past six months. I want this new dream of mine to come true, to finally meet someone new. Someone who may actually like me enough to stick it through with me. I've got life planned out, I really do now. I'll bring you around the world, I promise I will. We'll leave this place, and runaway together into paradise. Give me time, and I will give you everything I have. 

One last night of self destruction and I'll try my utmost best to quit clubbing and drinking altogether. For a brighter future, I'll do whatever. 

On a side note. 

I have a pet snail. I named it Patrick.

And I eat like a pig.

Counting my lucky stars.

Remember when I was counting down to my days in army? Yeah, that was some time back.
I'm currently approaching my seventh week in army and I'm beginning to count down to my days away from the faraway island. Approximately ten to eleven weeks left and I'm done with that place! Can't wait. I really hate it in there. Anyways, back to my civilian life.

Yesterday was the fourth time we went out together, K and I, and let's just say that I feel really blessed to have her by my side every time I book out from camp. I just wish time would slow down when we're together, because 15 hours passed in a blink of an eye.

Details of the events aside, we caught The Dark Night Rises yesterday night with a few of my friends. It was not bad. I know nothing much about the story line of the trilogy, but the action was good though. Um, 4/5 for me.

Taken last week.

Silly girl got me a gift. *Murdy's my nickname.

Got bored during the car ride last week.

I also realized I've lost 5 kilograms in 6 weeks. It took me 6 months to gain that 5 kilograms and now I'm back to 55kg. I feel so bony and scrawny, though I'm much stronger than I ever was before.

She also got me hooked onto this song unconsciously.

Applying the stuffs I learnt from a book I read, I must appreciate all the little things in life. They call me cheesy, but what do they know. Thank you for being so awesome. I've never been out with your friends before but I know I'd be a really awkward turtle if we were to do that. You, on the other hand, managed to make them, my friends, like you by being yourself. You have no idea about all the nice things they say about you. Yesterday was magical, it really was. 'Like my iPod stuck on replay' - Iyaz, I keep thinking about them in my mind. Thank you for replying to my stupid pick up line.

http://observando.net/post/27178527715

Last but not least.

And up until now I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.Well you are the only exception.

Expiration dates.

Friendships, relationships, milk, bread. They all have it- expiration dates.

In May 3rd's post, Habits die hard, the friendship I hope will go the distance, just expired. You must be thinking 'What!? Why?', or not, but I can only tell you I have no clue either.

My whole life is an expiration date. I'm a pessimist, and I'm already used to the fact that nothing good is going to happen to me. So when the friendship expired, I was naturally upset at first, but I came to realize that a pessimist should never be upset at his loss. Because the pessimist I am is already used to such things, I'm already immune to it. Only when things go my way, then will I be afraid.


So I'm really trying to move on, but it's harder than you think. So if you're in the same shoes as I am, here's a little gif to help you get past it.

Hanging on to the past does no one good. Say goodbye to yesterday, greet today with a smile, and prepare for tomorrow. This therapy blog of mine always does wonders when my mom's too busy for little chit chats.

'If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this.', 'All those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song, I'll be sick'. 

 You can see why I like this song. Pessimistic lyrics grow on me.

Also, fuck the general stereotypical idea on how to live life.

Because you waste time doing what people expect you to do, you
wind up not having lived life the way you planned in your mind

One thing that I was glad for did happen this week. 

Received a letter from Marie, my penpal. I'm really glad I have a pen pal like her. I don't know what else could have put a smile on my face this week other than this.

You can't expect me to be fine, I don't expect you to care. - Maroon 5; Payphone
Really glad this week is over.

Whose rules?

Who made the rules for everything? Must I conform to the social norm? It's okay to not follow the footsteps of the rest, no?

I refuse to let people tell me what I should do, and who I should be. It's my problem to walk the path I have chosen, let me face whatever it is I have to face. They said I am not, and I never was, in the position to feel the way I am feeling right now. It's not my fault that I fall for one too quickly, really. Tell me how do I stop my feelings from growing when that person is really nice and sweet. No guy ever wants to be 'friend zoned', because it fucking hurts. So coincidentally, I saw this new show on MTV today, Friendzone.

I Love You

Tags: MTV Asia

Pretty much sums it up. I think about you when I wake up and before I go to bed. But now that you're no longer single, I can't do that shit no more.

I've Been Waiting
Tags: MTV Asia

I actually had tears in my eyes when she said "Because I really believe that we're better as friends.".

I can literally feel how that guy was feeling. The jitters, and when your heart suddenly weigh a ton and drops to the bottom of your stomach. You wanna cry, but you force out a short laughter coupled with a few words filled with utter disappointment and disbelief.

Okay, maybe there's a couple of major differences between this story and mine.
One, we were never best friends.
Two, I didn't say it to her face to face.
Three, I doubt she had a crush on me.
Four, and most importantly, I'm not tall, dark and handsome.

So tell me, is it really better to know than to not know? And he said "Will I do it again? I wouldn't.". If I'm not wrong, I think before these two parts, during the full episode, he said he's more afraid of losing the friendship than to get rejected. I'm not sure tho. Well guess what, just as my story went, he got rejected and the friendship is ruined.
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, life.


"It just feels like I'm so done with this shit I might as well wipe. I have nothing else to give you, nothing left to contribute. Farewell I bid you." -Bad Meets Evil; Take From Me feat Claret Jai

Soft side.

Old friend, where are you? How have you been? Has life been treating you well? There are so many questions lingering, but I'm going to stop here.
I've missed you, do you know that?(Maybe just one more.) The only person that came into mind when I was listening to this song was you. I wonder why. Then I started reading up some of the old blog posts I made about you. And the chats we used to have. You don't know how much I've changed, you really don't.
"Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made". Flipping bad memories of the awkward moments after my confession. So much regrets on my side. How I wish my friends would take the initiative to ask her if she's ever felt something for me.
"I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over."
"Who would have known how, bittersweet this would taste"

I know you're happily attached, and you couldn't be happier.

This tweet was when I saw you for the first time in months, back in December. And it's already been 2 months since that day. We said hi, we said bye. I tried to smile, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't force out a smile to face you. I was selfish, and I'm sorry. Because sometimes it last in love, but I guess mine hurts.

I wasn't really into this song at first, but after listening to a few covers of it, I started to love it more and more.
After listening to it continuously for three consecutive days, I've memorized the lyrics.
What made this video so much better is that she seemed like she was going to cry. That's how singing with emotions is like.

Oh, the meaning of the title of the post?
My soft side, love songs. Hits me like a rock, straight through to the heart. Makes my heart wrench, whenever the memories come flowing back. 

And this second video gave me the goosebumps.
Black Eyed Peas - Where Is The Love (Live In Sydney)

Where's the love?

One last one!
Kina Grannis - Back To December (Cover)

Vulnerability

I fall for one deeply, quickly.
If i think she's all that ive ever wanted, im in deep trouble.

For the next few months or so, its a 'bro-period' for me. All i will talk about is her, and i'll consult my 'bros' about all my questions and doubts. I wont talk to other girls, because of reasons even i don't understand.

I told my mother i've finally moved on from the previous girl i had madly fallen for, for over a year. Her initial reaction was 'that's fast'! But i proceeded to let her know that i have been trying to get over her for slightly less than a year now.

Felt weird, that i have finally gotten over her. And this mean cycle repeats all over again. If there's even the dimmest, glimpse of hope, i will let you know. But for now, i shall 'research intensively' about her.

And while 'researching' about her. I 'stumbled upon' her blog and she posted a song lyrics. It goes something like
" My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right "
So I went ahead and googled it.

Nickelback - If today was your last day

Lyrics :
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

Writing your own story

If you ever meet someone special, don't run away from it.
Promise me you'll take a shot at it.
- How I Met Your Mother

The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do, there'll also be the things that happen to you. Now I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget, that on any day, you can step out the front door, and your whole life can change forever.
- Ted Mosby

一见钟情; Love at first sight.
Ever had one of those thoughts of you and that special someone, even though you two were never together, you still think about spending time with them.

Home - Jorge & Alexa Narvaez Cover

You're the apple of my eye.

Follow you into the park, through the jungle through the dark.

Finally over her, but what is there really to be happy about?

Lyricist Cypher - Timothy DeLaGhetto

Insecurity ruins a lot of good people, and I'm not referring myself as one of them.

Girls really need to know that being skinny is not everything. Sometimes, actually most of the time, being too skinny isn't attractive. A little baby fat won't kill, and exercising is always the first option if you want to lose weight.



LYRICS :
She was a young preteen obsessed with magazines
Always watched the model scene on the television screen
Looked up in the mirror and the only thing she seen
Was a fat and ugly body never thought she was queen
Squeezed into her jeans and all she could was scream
Spent all her daddys money on the lotions and the creams
Man she spent a fortune never had reinforcement
daddy never hugged her cuz her parents were divorced and
when she ate she forced it, or cut it into portions
then spent the rest of the night just clutchin to the porcelain
she used to be so pure but she gave the intercourse
to a dude thats abusive cuz she feels so insecure
hes cheatin and the beats her but they never gonna break up
cuz when her eyes are black and blue she just covers it make up
the companies be lyin just so they can get they cake up
cmon baby look youre beautiful you need to wake up

Real talk.

Where's the confidence?

I was browsing through tumblr, then I saw my friend's posts. She reblogged all the stuffs that are self-discriminating and I don't know how she has lost all of her self-confidence.
To me, she's pretty, smart, cute and her voice was a-okay. But she finds herself ugly, stupid and her voice to be "too manly".

I don't get it. If someone like her have no confidence of herself, shouldn't someone out there tell her that she's awesome? I want to, but I don't dare to. Because I fell in love with her before. No it's not some mushy love story or a lie. It's true. I wanted to be with her, but she didn't. So I guess I had to move on. And I'm pretty glad I did.

To anyone out there that's reading this(Sound like some zombie movie and the lead is trying to reach out to survivors with a video cam or radio.), have confidence. You are not perfect, no one is. Everyone has flaws, some embrace them, the rest just hide them. I know it's easier said than done, because I have lots of issues with myself too. But do know that, everyday I wake up and tell myself that, I was born this way for a reason, to be special. An individual that owns every single one of this features that no one else has.


Don't hide yourself in regret,
Just love yourself and you're set
-Lady Gaga(Born this way)

Dreams.

I had the scariest dream yesterday.
I've never had too many friends, so when one of the good ones come, it's natural for them to leave in a jiffy.

Back to the dream. My friend, Khairul, was stabbed in his chest and died. I was broken, I ran after the guy who stabbed my friend. I chased him for so long, I cried and screamed while I was chasing. That emotion, felt so real, I swear I thought it was really happening. Nothing could've changed the outcome, my friend died, thankfully it was only a dream.

I really don't know what would become of me, if one of my close friend died.
I would tell you more, but it would make the post too wordy, and the rest of the dream is too draggy.
If you haven't listen to the song, "I Need A Doctor Feat Eminem & Skylar Grey By Dr. Dre", you should really go and listen to it. The emotion Eminem brings to the song, just make me speechless. If you watch the video, you can see how agitated Eminem is when he raps. It's like his expressing himself when he's rapping.
-All I know is, you came when I was at my lowest. -Eminem

To realize and to learn.

I remember saying that I was so angry because of all the raps I was listening to. I was so influenced by the raps that I started hating on everybody. But I just realized that they weren't made for us to get mad at people, they were made when the rappers were mad at people, and they just want us NOT to follow in their footsteps.
So the most recent raps I begin to listen to are really really inspiring, and they taught me alot. As usual, all the meanings and explanations were all made up by me.

As I sat down for dinner, my mom watched. We began to talk, from school work to life, to the past and the future. I told my mom, "Do you remember when you told me not to trust my friend too much?", she nodded. I continued on with my story on how they have lost all of my trust and all of the hatred I have on them are turning into inspirations for me to write down rhymes. I don't call them raps or songs, because they're just bits and pieces of my thoughts and I just jot them down, and most of them don't even rhyme.

Over the past year, I've grown up so much. I've stayed my distance, because I didn't dare to step into a friendship my mom have no trust in. You see, my mom have been my "fortune teller" for my whole entire life, and I trust her so much, I show her all of my friends' pictures so that she could tell me more about them. Her predictions, or views on my friends, have been so true. You really have to know her to believe me.

So, I'm here to tell you readers,
-help people without expecting people to help you back. Help with no regrets and no expectations.
-Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful oh, they can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so, don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful. Oh they can all get fucked, just stay true to you (Beautiful - Eminem : Relapse)
-When they push you down, you gotta get back up. (Get Back Up Feat Chris Brown - T.I. : No Mercy)
Last but not least, know that no matter what happens in your life. No matter who backstabs you and who spits on you, know that life goes on. You just gotta stand back up.

And do know that I'm here always ready to give you any type of advice you need, that are within my dictionary or capabilities to give you advices. I may not be right, but I try my best to help anyone that is worth helping.
Check back soon, or not.
Peace.

Reasons

I know why I like to coop myself in my room, doing nothing but stare at the computer screen trying to find things to do.
My family, the noise, the constant shoutings and the squabblings my sister and her boyfriend take part in every five minutes make me wanna just shove an ear plug in each side of my ears.

It's so fucking annoying when you're trying to watch a show and they have to just come and sit there, start talking so fucking loudly and's you hear no shit from the tv. Then the next thing you do is try to drown their voice by turning up the volume of the tv and that's when you get scolded by your parents.

My room, I shut the door, no sound comes in but the typing of the keyboard and the music I play from my desktop is enough for me to stay away from everything else and indulge in my own good taste.

And do you have any clue what I had to do to get here, I don't think you do so stay tuned and keep your eyes glued to the stereo. -Eminem

Brainwashed

They say music can alter moods and talk to you. -Eminem

But can it brainwash a guy and change his look?

I believe it can. I've been listening to Eminem's songs crazily over the past few days, replaying them over and over again. Trying to decipher all the meanings of the songs, tho it could be wrong. But it somehow clears my mind, make me see better through this concrete jungle. I don't know if it's the songs or is it me who read too much into them, but I feel it has helped me in so many ways.

When I blog in this blog, I'm such a different person. I've realized I've been typing and typing but not really knowing what is appearing on the screen. These words, they just appear in my mind and I just type them down real quick without having the time to really understand them. So if they look like some bullshit, they really are. Just skim through it, they might make more sense that way.

Signing off

A little information about me

I've been trying to put up a post for the past thirty minutes. I can't think of anything to post up, maybe I'll let you know why I'm so madly inspired by Eminem. Just go to youtube and type "Renegade by Jay-Z Featuring Eminem", and listen to Eminem's killer verses.

[Jay-Z]

Motherfuckers -
say that I'm foolish I only talk about jewels (bling bling)
Do you fools listen to music or do you just skim through it?
See I'm influenced by the ghetto you ruined
That same dude you gave nothin', I made somethin doin'
what I do through and through and
I give you the news - with a twist it's just his ghetto point-of-view
The renegade; you been afraid
I penetrate pop culture, bring 'em a lot closer to the block where they
pop toasters, and they live with they moms
Got dropped roasters, from botched robberies niggaz crotched over
Mommy's knocked up cause she wasn't watched over
Knocked down by some clown when child support knocked
No he's not around - now how that sound to ya, jot it down
I bring it through the ghetto without ridin 'round
hidin down duckin strays from frustrated youths stuck in they ways
Just read a magazine that fucked up my day
How you rate music that thugs with nothin relate to it?
I help them see they way through it - not you
Can't step in my pants, can't walk in my shoes
Bet everything you worth; you lose your tie and your shirt

[Eminem]
Since I'm in a position to talk to these kids and they listen
I ain't no politician but I'll kick it with 'em a minute
Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it
But if it don't, then y'all'll swallow the truth grin and bear it
Now who's these king of these rude ludicrous lucrative lyrics
Who could inherit the title, put the youth in hysterics
Usin' his music to steer it, sharin his views and his merits
But there's a huge interference - they're sayin you shouldn't hear it
Maybe it's hatred I spew, maybe it's food for the spirit
Maybe it's beautiful music I made for you to just cherish
But I'm debated disputed hated and viewed in America
as a motherfuckin drug addict - like you didn't experiment?
Now now, that's when you start to stare at who's in the mirror
and see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrased
And I got nothin' to do but make you look stupid as parents
You fuckin do-gooders - too bad you couldn't do good at marriage!
(Ha ha!) And do you have any clue what I had to do to get here I don't
think you do so stay tuned and keep your ears glued to the stereo
Cause here we go - he's {*Jigga joint Jigga-chk-Jigga*
And I'm the sinister, Mr. Kiss-My-Ass it's just the

[Chorus: Eminem + Jay-Z]
[Em] RENEGADE! Never been afraid to say
what's on my mind at, any given time of day
Cause I'm a RENEGADE! Never been afraid to talk
about anything (ANYTHING) anything (ANYTHING), RENEGADE!
[Jay] Never been afraid to say
what's on my mind at, any given time of day
Cause I'm a {RENEGADE Never been afraid to holler
about anything {anything? Anything {ANYTHING!

[Jay-Z]
I had to hustle, my back to the wall, ashy knuckles
Pockets filled with a lot of lint, not a cent
Gotta vent, lot of innocent of lives lost on the project bench
Whatchu hollerin'? Gotta pay rent, bring dollars in
By the bodega, iron under my coat, feelin braver
Doo-rag wrappin my waves up, pockets full of hope
Do not step to me - I'm awkward, I box leftier often
My pops left me an orphan, my momma wasn't home
Could not stress to me I wasn't grown; 'specially on nights
I brought somethin home to quiet the stomach rumblings
My demeanor - thirty years my senior
My childhood didn't mean much, only raisin green up
Raisin' my fingers to critics; raisin' my head to the sky
BIG I did it - multi before I die (nigga)
No lie, just know I chose my own fate
I drove by the fork in the road and went straight

[Eminem]
See I'm a poet to some, a regular modern day Shakespeare
Jesus Christ the King of these Latter Day Saints here
To shatter the picture in which of that as they paint me
as a monger of hate and Satan a scatter-brained atheist
But that ain't the case, see it's a matter of taste
We as a people decide if Shady's as bad as they say he is
Or is he the latter - a gateway to escape?
Media scapegoat, who they can be mad at today
See it's easy as cake, simple as whistlin Dixie
while I'm wavin the pistol at sixty Christians against me
Go to war with the Mormons, take a bath with the Catholics
in holy water - no wonder they try to hold me under longer
I'm a motherfuckin spiteful, DELIGHTFUL eyeful
The new Ice Cube - motherfuckers HATE to like you
What did I do? (huh?) I'm just a kid from the gutter
makin this butter off these bloodsuckers, cause I'm a muh'fuckin