They're all liars. Pretty little liars.

Gohardwellorgohome

Love's a joke. I really do think that.
Love don't last, because like us, it dies in the end.

Hardwell turnt the fuck up on Friday. It was balls. We went hard.



Jumped, screamed, shouted, pushed, stepped, raved, danced, pumped, swung, spun, hugged, singed and all that shit. We went in at 2030, squeezed to the front of the damn place, and stayed till 2320. Nearly three hours of non stop craziness and dehydration. I swear I came out feeling like I could fly. It was so addictive. To get lost in the music and atmosphere. Forgetting every damn thing for just that few hours, and feeling happy.

We're all masked motherfuckers. Forever lying our way through things. Thinking everything's gonna be alright, when in reality we're all messed up in our own little ways. We search for greater things in life. It's been summer for a very, very long time. I'm sick of the heat. I thought Friday changed the season, it felt that way for a moment. It's such a pleasant surprise to know that perhaps not all is lost. To be recognised, to feel that you're not all that bad.

 
Autumn, you're very much needed right now. You seemed right, at that time. I thought maybe you arrived just in time. You delayed yourself, that's alright. Just as long as you find your way through, I'll be here. Like I have been all these while. And if Summer's ever gonna return, it's all right. Nothing last, & such is life. We find, we lose, we move on and the cycle god damn repeats its fucking self till we die.

We're all lost souls searching for a place to hide. Ride out till the storm's gone. & if you are pleased, you can stay here forever. This hiding place is yours to keep.


I learn that I used to fucking love sadness. It's something I needed to feel every once in awhile to know that I'm still sane. But after 21 fucking years, happiness is taking the wheel. I lose myself in music, in a sea of strangers bobbing and jumping to the beat, feeling infinite. & at that time, I swear we were all immortals. Because, losing all hope was freedom. And I seek freedom in this life of mine.

Summer: Day 470

Looking back.

When some songs play on my phone, images of you, of us, appear in my mind. Then I start thinking about the times we had, and so many thing else. Then I start to wonder, and think and ponder and then I have questions.

Millions of them.

I don't have to look at our text messages to remember what we said to each other. I don't have to look at the photos we took together to remember how they look like. They're all in here, in my mind that is. Every single one of them, etched deeply inside of me.

Sometimes I lose the battle against myself, I still take a glance at your pictures. They remind me of why I fell in love with you. Why I came to the decision that I wanted you to be my first, and also foolishly hoped that you would be my last. I came to realize that I made the right decision a few months back, when I first enlisted, to choose you. The silly things we said to each other, oh, what great memories they are..

Roderick sent me this image when I told him that I was single all over again.

I still remember that one text you sent which made me think to myself "Damn, this could really go somewhere.". A few weeks later.. You said two words that I have come to hate so thoroughly, "I'm sorry". 

I don't know if you still think of me, but I do. I hate to admit it, but I really do. In fact, I still miss you. So damn much. I miss talking to you, texting you silly stuffs, hearing your laughter, seeing your smile, the smell of your hair, basically, I miss having you by my side.

No I am not your average guy. Maybe I'm too sensitive for a guy, I don't know. Isn't it good to not be another 'one of them'? 

I still remember the first time you came to my place, and when my dad said 'It's good that Eamon's gotten himself a decent girl'. He came to the conclusion that you're a decent girl because of the way you look. Yeah, everyone else agreed. And the semi-restaurant we went to have dinner together with my family that following night, when the manager asked me 'Hey, is that your girlfriend?', I remember that feeling. I'm smiling as I'm typing this down, it's that great of a feel. Every single person around me, important enough to me, knew about you. They were all so happy for me, and told me to cherish you. Everyone except my god mom. She was cautiously optimistic when I told her about us. She was the only person who told me not to give my 100% in the relationship, but I couldn't do it. 

The view of the place where we used to hang out at so much.

One fine night after we went our separate ways, my family and I went back to the same place to have our dinner. I saw the manager, he asked 'Where's your girlfriend?'. I didn't know what to say. I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders as I walked towards our table. It's been a month now, 30 long days have passed. I've been through so much, I wish you knew. This October was supposed to be legendary. My POP, my decision to sign on as a regular, my birthday, Eminem's Birthday.. and so much more. But I seem to have forgotten what month it was. 

I don't really know what to look forward to right now. And I have no idea why I've finally decided to make this post. Things have just been bottled up inside of me all these while. Maybe all I needed was someone to talk to, or maybe this little space for me to pour everything out. Dear Potassium, I hope you're doing fine. That way, at least one of us is happy. If given a chance, I'd still choose you. 

Next up: Commitment vs Obligation 

Haha

The kid no one really knew.

He, who loathes attention, wants more friends.
He, who wants more friends, likes to be left alone.
He, who thinks alot, speaks very little.
He, who is often seen sulking, wants to smile.
He, who is afraid to fall, wants to jump.

He, the person no one really understand, is me.
I, myself, don't really know who I am and what I really like. Up to date, having lived for 19 years, I know not more than fifty percent of what I really live for.

Will anyone, other than my family, cry when I die? Will anyone know that I am dead if no one tells. Will anyone bother to call me up to check if I'm still breathing if I disappear from their lives? Today I realize that I really am just a shadow in most people's lives. If I disappear without a word, no one will really notice.

Do you know why I dislike talking? It's not that I'm born with autism, but because of reasons. Reasons no one really know, maybe up until now. I used to chatter alot, so much that it would be rare to see my lips meet. Then people told me that I talk too much, too often and people started to leave me. I had so little friends that I hated school. Going to school was a torture, because I had no friends to talk to and I was always left alone. During breaks, I would stay back in class with the lights off just sitting in my seat waiting for something to happen. No one would ask me to join them, and I would just starve for the whole day. And when I go back home, there's no one there to accompany me too. I either used the time to sleep, or use the computer. Then time passed and I realized that I was more well-liked when I keep my mouth shut. That's when all the words started to stay inside of my head.

My heart still aches when I think about the times when I was left alone in class and no one bothered to talk to me. They ruined me, a perfectly fine boy, so badly.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Ambitions, My father.

Do you still remember what you wanted to be when you grow up? And now that you are all grown up and working, is the job you're holding the one you always dreamt to have when you were a kid?

The usual job ambitions kids have are police officers, doctors/nurses, fire fighters, actors/actresses and superheroes. They all have something in common, and that is to help the society. But mine wasn't the same.

I have always admired my father. He used to tell me stories of how he trained to be muscular, how to fight off the bad people and he used to teach me "kung-fu". And one day, I swore that I will grow up to be like my father. Fear nothing, and be feared. But as I grow, my ambitions started to drift away. He was not what I always thought he was. He drinks, smokes, gambles, makes the family unhappy, spouted vulgarities, was rough and didn't dote on us(my sisters and I) as much as we wanted him to. He wasn't the perfect dad I always looked up to.

But recently, I saw how weak he really is. Not the exterior, it's his interior that needed support. He recently got a surgery on his hernia problem. And he wasn't the iron man I always thought he was. His physical strength got so limited that he actually asked me to work for him for a day. I can finally prove to him that I am no longer the kid that has barely enough strength to lift weights. And he actually introduced me to his friends as his "junior". I thought it was a compliment right until he told them other stories. He told them that me being this tall was normal in the family. He told them that my cousins are stood at an average of 1.9m tall, and he also told them that I was working on a project that builds cars that speeds on the road. None of the stories he told there are true. I am actually one of, if not, the tallest in the family and the project I am working on, it's just an eco car that can barely reach 60mph. I don't know why he find the person I am, and the things I do, such a disgrace.

Dad, I'm sorry for being such a disappointment.