Dare me.

"Every day, start again."

So much respect for 'Da Hulk', I've watched this 12 minutes long video more than 5 times now. That's how much respect I have for him. How many human being can grow like him? How many human being can lift weights, and bend iron like he can? How many human being, if granted that they ever reached his physique, can still remain humble and keep their feet firmly planted on ground?

Wait for me big man, I'll be a skinny ass little hulk as compared to you one day. I'll be bigger, better, full of inks, and I'll try to bend iron like you one day. One day, I'll be successful.

Day 7. Belly getting a little out of control.

On a side note, I've been taking mass gainer every damn day, thrice to four times, each day. And I've only just gained 0.7kg. It's the worst diet I've ever put myself through, that I'm so disciplined about. I've never been more proud of myself than I am today. But sometimes I still wonder why I put myself through all these bullshit.

Haven.
Ig: emnism

The irony of me supporting Liverpool is that I always walk alone. & also, human beings are weird as fuck. It's like two different people cross paths, talk for a whole lot like they mean the world to each other, and one fine day just fall right apart. Tomorrows without them seem so hard to come, yet the endless amount of yesterdays spent with each other don't seem to matter anymore. People, weird fucking ass creatures.

Read this beautifully written article about loving someone.

If you love some, don't write about them.

Shuttershock

"I guess it started when I began writing my novel. I almost tweeted about it, actually. "I'm going to write a novel to help cope with the feelings I have for a boy." I deleted it immediately, due to the amount of embarrassment I felt for myself in the dreadful milliseconds the thought was a fully constructed sentence in my mind.

Somehow the idea for the novel derived from the entirety of this man. He mentioned something to me once in a text message, and without noticing exactly what I was doing, I was taking his small notion and turning it into an entire novel. I turned his 20 words into approximately 100,000 in no time, creating a lovely world for us to sink into cozily where no one could disturb us. It was nice at first, as all escapes are, but the addiction comes soon after.

The world became a lovely place to settle. Once the plot was constructed, and the setting was generalized enough to find my city somewhere in the pages, well, then all I had left were the characters that were so easily created. If all else failed that day, I had my writing to be with. And something about it always feels real; you can feel the emotion, the integrity, the love, the moments, even if they're just "made up."

This is how writes go crazy. Our fictional characters are not fictional, and I call bullshit to anyone who claims they actually created a character out of thin air. We can't draw lines as writers. We melt our fictional worlds with our reality and get lost in a sort of writer's purgatory, and that's why we get so hurt by who we love. It's always more to us.

Remember that time in the coffee shop? That's four pages, three years of thought, 1458 words. Remember that time we kissed on the bed when we were both really drunk at that party? That's eight pages, seven years of thought, more words than I can count.

So there you can find yourself, in my countless words and countless word documents, young and thriving in my memories where I can potentially keep you forever. The writing remains to stem from somewhere deeper than fiction." 

- Chelsea Moudry 

"I can turn you into poetry, but I cannot make you love me."

"I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to be wanted. // The concept of being needed is way beyond my comprehension."


Dare me. One day, I'll succeed. 

Only if you mean it.

It was a farewell that took too long.
2013 is finally gone.

It was a year too crazy for me to put the details down in a few thousand words.

There were a billion 21sts we celebrated, K came and went, grew from a party goer to an alcoholic, had hangovers more times in a couple of months than I had in my entire life, went from sober to wasted, clean to inked and so on and so forth.

Numero Tres

2014 has begun, so a new chapter begins.

I am both excited and scared to embark on this new year. Time's passing too quickly, and before anyone ever realise it, 2014 will be over.

P has been nothing but a revelation for me. But I'm still trying to figure out what she will mean to me for this new year. I didn't do what I wanted to do before the clock struck twelve on December 31st. Plans don't work out the way you want them to, life.

A 'fluke' P drew. A stag swag.

I am both terrified and glad about what we have going on. I don't know, I never asked. Mind's telling me to go for it, but heart's telling me to stop for a bit.

Dear Universe,

Give me a sign.

- Em

"Say it only if you mean it. I'm done with maybes and hopefully-s. I want something definite. Something I can put my trust on and not be taken for granted. I want truths and nothing but truths. I want the courage in you.

Dear 2014,

I look forward to having challenges, and breaking them all. I look forward to having more inks and a better shaped me. I look forward to more travels and perhaps, just perhaps, love. I want this year to revolve more around me rather than them.

 I yearn for change, so drastic, people will come up to me and ask if I am still the same person I was a few months back. I yearn for greater things in life. I demand a life lived to the fullest this year. I crave to be something important, something bigger than just a subpar role in people's lives. 

More importantly, I want to be courageous. To do things I never thought of doing. Also, to be utterly straightforward and to chase for things I wouldn't normally chase after. I want to live life this year. I want to feel, I need to feel. This year, shall be legendary. 

-Em             

"In the depths of my soul, I longed to be a part of something large and good; something that required all of me; something dangerous and worth dying for."

I am but bones and questions.

"Are you an idiot?"

"No, sir, I'm a dreamer"

"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me they way I see myself."

I hate the beginning of anything new. The part where you yearn for the attention of the person you're talking to, though received, hardly comes easy. I don't like that feeling that you're often being forgotten, left at the back of their minds, only to be remembered when the night turns old.

The only real therapy right now for me is tattooing. I don't know why. It kinda takes my mind off of stuffs, and only concentrate on inking alone. Plus, the people there are really nice. Though heavily inked, they're pretty good people. & society tells us not to judge a book by its cover.

"Take shit in your stride."

But this situation I'm in, it's not all bad. It's making me grow. It's maturing me, mentally and emotionally. On one hand, I want to be single and live live without a care. But on the other, I want to be attached, tied down, and lead the couple life.

21 is a messy age for me. Everything's coming too quickly. The education of dollar bills and politics. Juggling time among family, friends and colleagues. Stepping into new relationships, meeting new people, trying stuffs out for the first time, taking risks, and all that shit. I was but a teenager a year ago. Society expect too much from 21 year olds.

I've also learnt to be straightforward this year. I'm going to risk losing P because I'm going to ask her something stupid but really important. I want to start 2014 afresh. If losing P is going to happen, I want it to happen before 2014. I want everything bad to stay in 2013. I'm crazy that way.

So here's to the last 5 days of 2013. Leave the bad stuffs behind. Let's move forward.

"I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore. It's hard to put into words, but I guess it's like I was fast asleep, and someone came, and disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling." - Hakuri Murakami

Something old, something new.

"You can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tightly you hold on, it's already gone."

Nothing matter more to me now than these bunch of crazy nutsacks who chose the weirdest person to be their friend. 

I'm done thinking that there are other people who are going to even come to par with these few people. They've seen me at my worst, at my best, when I'm down, literally on my back in a pool of my own puke, and when I'm standing tall as a motherfucker because my growth spurt was crazy.

They've seen me when I was clean, and when I'm inked. When I was skinny as a motherfucker, and when they can't beat me at arm wrestling. They've seen it all. They know my family, I know theirs. It's tough to forge real friendships. It's rough to rough out and find out how different we all are, but still coming to terms with the differences and accepting all of the faults.  

But if that one day really comes when we find better people in our lives, and we go our separate ways, then we will be our very own something old. Go for that something new, go for that fresher, greener pasture that awaits. Because the past has passed, and like Barney Stinson said 'New is always better'. 

A few days back when I almost got myself paralyzed, I thought about alot of stuffs. When the Chinese doctor stuck the two long ass needles down the back of my palm, and twisted and turned them for a good 15 minutes, thoughts raced through my mind. 

"The little iron man in the family's cracking.". Tears kept flowing down my face because the pain was insane. I tried my best to keep them in, but it didn't work. I squirmed and kicked when the pain was too much, but I took it all in. I saw my dad in myself at that moment. I heard how my sister felt my pain when she tried holding me down, and how she made sounds you would make if you saw a woman give birth to a child. I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be great if I had a significant other by my side telling me it's gonna be all right". 

It's 30 days before 2014 kicks in. 2013 wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be. I thought 2013 would've been better. But it was one hell of an epic roller coaster ride which has made me learned a shit load of things. Maybe things will take a turn for the better. Maybe 2014 is the year where two wrongs make a right, where the opposites really do attract, and where all bad things do come to an end. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get back on track in life again. 

"Enough, they're enough & I'm happy with them".

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank god I'm not where I used to be"

I blame you

For being so pretty.

I'm as superficial as the other girl is materialistic. I fall for pretty people, sue me.

You know this feeling you get, when you see someone you haven't met in awhile and they've changed so much in that amount of time, and you think to yourself "Where were you all these while?".

Sorry that you're really pretty to me, and that you've changed so much since the last time we met. And also that I fall for pretty people really easily, especially when they're nice to me. My sister's friend told her that she thought I was good looking, I blushed for three days. I still replay those words whenever I'm bored, because it's not a common thing for people to compliment me. I'm not used to it, so I keep it wayyy inside my mind, in a little happy place where good things are stored inside. That night was also the first time I've hugged a female friend so casually without any constraint or awkwardness. It came so naturally, like it should've been done a long time ago. You're probably not on the same frequency as I am, because you're probably used to these kind of things. But it's something new to me, and I love new things that are good. It's a really refreshing change, as compared to the past few months where I'd find some stupid sad quotes that'd keep me upset for the next few days, and I'm pretty happy right now. And that's all that matters.

I'm good looking... I'm still puzzled, but I guess I'd take it in my stride and keep it safe and sound where no one can use it against me. For now, life is a piece of unsolved, colorful puzzle, waiting for me to find the next piece to it.

This is the bunch of retards I love. 

That thing that time heals.

I'm done being sad. I'm done thinking "Fuck, I'm single as fuck because I'm me. I'm not good enough for nobody.". I'm done putting myself down.

Though I still have those days where I'll look into the mirror and shudder at the reflection, I'm beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I'm beginning to heal from the broken relationship which made me become such a mess for awhile. Life was never, and will never be, fair. It will forever throw curve-balls,  steep roads, rocky hills, fire hoops and what not, at us. We can either dodge them forever, running away from challenges, or we can find ways to deal with them. I took the first step in trying to mend a broken relationship between two ex-es. Now I have come to realize, what a fool I was. Ex-es were never meant to be friends. Maybe a few rare cases will prove that point otherwise, but most of us will forever return to the starting point where we first met, becoming strangers.

I've learnt that it's okay to not be friends. Because one party will forever be holding on to that teeny-tiny ray of hope that one day, everything will return to the way it was. But because the other party has already let everything go, it will NEVER return to times when everything was fine. I've learnt to cut all ties with her, not because she's not good. But because I no longer want to be reminded of how she's constantly living a life so wonderful and so colorful, so different from mine, and that the past seem to have little to no effect on her current life anymore. While I'm still stuck in that shit hole I was a couple of months back where I try to find fault in myself because of that failed first relationship. Constantly reminding myself of how time spent with her was so precious, and only reminding myself of the good times. No more.

By allowing yourself to be reminded only of the good, and not the bad times of the past, you have done no one but yourself more pain than you should feel. 

There will forever be a part of you etched in me. Like how my thoughts have changed so drastically. I have, in the past, for my whole life believed that relationships and things do lasts. I've always told myself that actions speak louder than words and that if you treat the other person the way you want them to treat you, then that's what you will get.

I'm moving on now, sorry it took so long. Life is changing. 5 years later, maybe I will be a better man. For now, I'll do my best in airforce and get myself to places I've never dreamt of going. Places like US for 2 years, and Aussie for a few months and other countries. Who knows what life has instore for us. I'm just sorry for the past, tired of the present and cautiously optimistic about the future. 

2013 please be good. Here's to all the 21st birthday parties we're gonna have this year.

Where's your god now?

I am never, have never and will never be, the perfect friend you guys have. But you guys are more than anything I can ever ask for. And for that, I'm forever grateful to have crossed paths and shared memories together. 

Greetings, March.

Hi March. Time flies.
It was just the beginning of Chinese New Year a few weeks back, and now it's over. Like time, money's gone as well.

Year of the Ssssss-snake

Chinese New Year Day 1, with baby Faith.

CNY Day 2, Mom with baby Eva Fei

When Canada meets China.

This year's Chinese New Year was all about the babies. The family's getting real huge and noisy with all the screaming kids and crying babies. There are two who stood out though, baby Eva Fei and baby Faith. A cousin of mine left for Canada a couple of years back, and came back this year, married and with a kid. Her husband is a French living in Canada and they created this first Eurasian baby in the family. Her name's Eva Fei.

Eva Fei with her Patrick.

Little China Doll

Everyone was vying to play with her. Thank goodness I managed to take a picture with her before my cousin flew back to the Great White North. I also love the little china doll, baby Faith. Because she's so chubby and so independent, she's totally fine when her parents handed her over to us and allowed us to bring her around the neighborhood for a walk without them.

In other not really surprising news, I fell in love with snapping photos of skyandshit.

Acrophobia

Then I started planning for my future.

Say No to 6.9million population in Singapore.

Went for my first ever protest. It was one I was proud to be a part of. Singaporeans of different race, language, and religion stood together as one and voiced out our displeasure in harmony.

#waywire

Got inspired by photos on tumblr, so I decided to make one myself. My own jug of money is growing, many thanks to the red packet I received over the Chinese New Year. This particular pile is for a trip to Japan this year, it's a promise I made to Marie on her last day in Singapore, or rather our last day spent together in Singapore. I cannot afford to break anymore promises, I loathe myself because I couldn't keep one huge one in the past. 

Lastly, friends, celebrity crush and Eminem.

Have been hanging out a whole lot with this three musketeers. Though we're not really a perfect fit, like we're odd in our own little ways and sometimes our humor can't seem to match, I'm thankful for having them in my life right now. It's a new found clique, like it happened only two months ago, though we've known each other for years now, I hope this will go the distance. Thank you for bringing smiles and laughter into my life when I thought I've lost it for good.

Detroit stand up. So glad to have this in my cap collection. It took nearly half a year to arrive, and I thought it would never get here, ever. It's something too good for me to pass on, so I bought it the minute I saw it go on sale. 

Yeah, Jennifer Lawrence's my celebrity crush. She's like this down-to-earth, girl-next-door type of person. She's 22 and she's won quite a number of huge awards like the Oscars and the Golden Globe. 

Simplest way to make you understand why I love her so much.

Yeah, that's all for now.

March, please, please be good.

Ugly the cat.

You have probably read this before on Facebook, or some other websites. But it's so touching, it's worth a re-read. 

Fan page on Facebook

Official website

Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat.

Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly.
To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot has appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angel, making him look like he was always turning the corner.His tail has long since been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck and even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs.

Every time someone saw Ugly, there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!".All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. 

Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up, he would immediately begin sucking on your shirt, earring, whatever he could find. 

One day, Ugly shared his love with the neighbors' huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment, I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. 

Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly, I thought. 

Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear – Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battered-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment, I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me, completely trusting in me to relive his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.

The father I never had.

This is a story about the father I never had. It's really simple, but all too complicating to be explained in a few thousand words. The amount of hurt and disappointment throughout the years can never be written down or explained to you if you have never been through it. It all started yesterday night.

  It wasn't a competition, but it soon became a conversation that seemed as if it was. A night out with two friends became a 'therapy session'. As we sat down at a MacDonald's Restaurant, the word 'dad' soon became our topic of discussion. What started out as brief descriptions of how useless our dads were, became excruciatingly explicit detailed happenings of our lives with them. But among us was my friend, lets call him 'J', whom, have never experienced a bad night with his family couldn't understand a word we said because it was never part of his life. As my second friend, let's call him 'H', poured out his heart to us, I was awed at how he has managed to give me the impression that his life was never a troubled one. 

  My dad's drunken nights and H's dad's abusive actions were shared and discussed lengthily. For every disappointing actions my dad did, H came up with a better and more jaw dropping story of his dad's action. I wasn't backing down either, upping the tempo of the stories by adding older and clearer details of my dad's crazy actions. As the stories came pouring out like water out of a running tap, both of us came to the same exact point of asking our parents to get divorced. The words continued to jump out of our mouths as the food got gobbled up. A full stop soon came as our stories ended. It was surprising how our lives, seemingly similar, turned out to be so different. I told J that he was lucky to have such a sober minded family as we got off our seats, and hopped into the car and drove off to our next destination. 

The sequel to the first reason for this post happened just a couple of hours ago.
My dad was high on beer again, and he called back home to ask if we wanted dinner. To cut short the conversation I had with him, he didn't want me to get a hold of his location, but wouldn't tell me what he could get for me at where he was at. And when I told him of the food I wanted, he claimed that it was too much of a hassle because it wasn't sold at the location he was at. So, to make his life easier, I told him to get me a packet of flat rice noodles. After shouting into the phone for three times, he hung up on me because he 'couldn't hear me'. I know this is a really pathetic reason to get so upset with your parent. But it's not just this instance that caused me to curse at will, in front of my very demure mother, with vulgarities that were not tolerated in this household. It's his actions and his words that made me disappointed and angry at the same time.

These were my initial reactions, "Fuck you man, do what you wanna do".

  My mother was clearly upset at my sudden outburst at my dad. She never encouraged us to get mad or cuss at my dad behind his back, and she's always asked us to treat him with utmost respect despite of all his wrongdoings. I needed to post this up, I thought to myself. -Because I had just finished reading a paragraph in "I'm Sorry You Felt This Way". It was about the author's own invention of the dad she wanted to be the child of. 

  I thought about stuffs, and went back down to confront my mother. My first words to her were "What are your reasons to not agreeing to divorce him?", I didn't even address him as dad or father as I normally would. We chatted and she told some stories. She gave reasons and she gave examples. And finally, I was convinced. She said,

Her mom, my grandmother, used to be worse than my dad. She would drink and get drunk, throw fits and chided my grandfather, whom I've never met before, till no end. My mom, like me, said she wanted to have nothing to do with my grandmother. But after my mother got married and had my sisters, my grandmother changed for the better. Way better than she ever was. She did some stuffs that are better left unsaid on this blog, that made my mother forgave her every actions for they were in the past. There's no point bearing grudges because you might live to regret them one day. Don't let your anger make you do stuffs that you might come to regret when you're older. 

It was actually the story of my mom and my grandmother that moved me. Made me change my perspective of things and how to deal with them. Before you do something, think of the future and picture it.

-Is what you're doing going to change the looks of your own future? Are you sure you're okay to live that life? These are the questions, find the answers yourself.

The father I've invented for myself. 
  
  The father I've invented for myself is sitting at the dining table, shirtless, with a cup of hot coffee. He reads the newspaper as the rest of the family crawls their way down early in the morning. Warm milo and coffee prepared for us, he comments on the news article he has just finished. 
  It's 6pm of 2000, and he drives into my school in his van. I hopped into his van and he greets me with a smile. He traded a few words with the disciplinary master while I gazed upon the orange sky. He drives us home, and talks to me about sports. 
  Upon reaching the doors of my home, he says, go take a shower and come down for dinner, in the mildest tone. 

I thought this post was a little too serious, lighten up a little with EMT.