Old story books.

"People are poison, pow. People are poison. Never forget"

Don't blame me for constantly having different girls to worry over, because I was never this type of person to start with. Well, I guess to be fair, no one was.

You can't just come into my life, make me different, and leave. It doesn't work that way.

I'm not saying that you changed me, but you did play an important role over the past year that made me become who I am today.

Inked, your claim of my left wrist, I still wonder if I'll ever come to regret any of them.

I never forget. I just choose to not remember stuffs.

"Were you kidding about what you said of your ink?", she asked as she held onto my left wrist and looked at it.

I replied with a stern no, and sneaked a peek at her.

I don't know what was going through your mind when you asked me that, or what made you ask that question in the first place. 

Really am just holding on for the night.

I guess it worked eventually, didn't it? People have always been very visual creatures. And I guess getting inked really did turn things a little to my favour.

I can't let my mind go blank. Because that's when it all goes crazy.
It starts to wander, and wonder. It gets all messed up, thinking about every little thing.
Like, what she said that night. Or why didn't I do that. All the whys, whens, hows start pouring out.

I'm not saying I don't mean what I said a few months back. But feelings change, and people change. And at that moment, when you're not there for me nor were I for you, my heart tilted a little.

The world suddenly revolved no more around you, nor did it around anyone else. It just stood still, very still, and made me hella confused. You cannot just expect someone as stupid as me to not do stupid things like falling for you.

And no, I'm not actually all over you right now like I would be a few months back if this happened. I'm kind of proud at myself. About how good I'm keeping my emotions and feelings in check.

"The people who keep saying that they're fine, are usually the people who are not.". 
Well, I guess I'm not fine then.

But if third time really is the charm, then I dare you to come closer.

Making galaxies tonight.

"Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so, because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn't possibly have any direct correlation to one's happiness, but I never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possibly work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, than you're going to do it. It's really no different from falling in love, or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken, or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their own yellow paint."

I'll write you like you're my last few words.

Hi you,

Stupid, wonderful, crazy, funny, beautiful you. What the fuck are you doing? You can't just come into my life unannounced, and expecting me to not fall for you. Haven't you learned from the past, that I always fall easily? Like I told F(yes, she's a new girl but we're just friends), you're amazingly talented, has long hair, big beautiful eyes, plays the guitar, sings crazily well, athletic, loves animals, drinks beer, is a leftie, and loves LFC.

You're, in my dictionary, perfect.

That cab ride home was the epitome of 2014. It's been 7 long months since I last held someone's hands. Leaving out the times in clubs when I was drunk and stupid, this was obviously intentional and very much sober. The way you breathed so heavily while trying to fall asleep on my shoulder, in the cab, the part of me that wanted none of those, died.

I don't know what you see in me, I really don't. But like I've always said, and believed, "I'm not good at much, but I'll be good to you." If you're the one, then yes, those words are for you.

Just when I've broken down,  I found love can come again.

You touched me so teasingly, so endearing, that feeling, emotion, I thought I've lost long ago suddenly re-emerged. & when our fingers interlocked, I knew I was in trouble. Deep water I know I cannot get out of. And indeed, I spent the next day pondering what happened and what all those meant. I told almost everyone close to me, and sought for advice. I spent the whole of the next day thinking about you.

You have no idea how beautiful you are. When I saw you talking to them, I was mesmerized, I'm sure they were too. Thankfully for the bro code, or my friends would be all over you. Crazy talented, unimaginably beautiful, adorably crazy. I will write you like you're my last few words. I'm that sort of person, just in case you don't know. I will hold you proud, even if you don't. I'm that crazy type of person who loves, and loves too deep. Either that, or I don't love at all. I don't, and have never, believe in 'skinlationship', if that's even a known lingo to anyone. We either go hardcore, or we don't go at all. 

So dear P, thank you for being amazing. But if you're going to leave, do it now. I don't want another case of touch and go. Especially not with you. We've known each other for close to 2 years, and we've only come this far. Leave before this gets any messier. It'll do good for both of us. Because there is no competition on this side of the grass, but for your side I cannot say the same. The amount of love you get, I believe is way more than I have ever had in my entire life. I have enough scars, one more won't change me, but it definitely won't do my sanity good. 

Leave, P, or stay. Your move.

"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. 

So crumble. Collapse. This is not your destruction. 

This is your birth."

 

Dream Diary

"I give a fuck. I give lots of fuck, actually. I'm a prostitute of feelings."

It was but a normal routine of checking stuffs out on my phone right until the moment before I doze off into happyland. Then my phone lit up as I set it down, preparing to rest. Your name popped up, not once, not twice, but half a dozen times. "*** reblogged your post on tumblr" x 6. And then a snapchat of nothing but the words 'Night mozzie lover' came and it made me chuckle a little. I set it down once again and snoozed into home.

It was me, you, and Leon, riding at the back of my dad's van. I persuaded my dad to fetch you home in the middle of the night. And that was just the beginning of every thing weird that happened in the dream. 

Upon reaching the foot of your block, I accompanied you to your door step. Things got mad weird. You opened the doors to your dad throwing things from his room, and your mom sobbing uncontrollably. You took off to your room, telling me with your derp language "much yellingz", and many other funky words which I don't remember. I walked in to see how you were doing and just happened to stand in the firing range of lamps, books and cups being thrown at my direction. Your dad was hysterical at this moment. You ran out of your house and I followed you. 

Crazily, a chair followed me. Your dad had flung a chair at me, and it got me right smack at my back. Me, being the crazy fellow that I have become, picked it up and challenged him to throw more stuffs at me. But before he could do anything, I broke the chair through my head and my ears buzzed soon after. He was shocked, and started to calm down. I took him in to one of your house's rooms, and talked to him. I can't vividly remember the full conversation, but I managed to talk some sense into him and he told me about stuffs. I said something along the line of "Young adults are meant to be wild and free", and "Don't hold it against her(You), she's just lost". I went out to look for you at the corridor and you hugged me. While walking towards the lift, you told me "你是我的英雄 2, because the first one was my ex. Thank you". We hugged again on the way down in the lift and I took the chance to kiss you. It calmed my nerves and it felt right. 

Your dad joined us at the void deck moments later and we started looking for something. He shared stories with me, and said something crazy to either you or thin air, because I'm sure it wasn't me. "He's the type of guy you want to marry. He protected you from the chair, and stood up for you. While your ex just looked for solutions to calm me down without actions. He's the type of guy you want to marry in the future". And that was too much for me to take in, and then I woke up.

A's gone and will never return. I will turn down A every god damn time, because she's damned by the gods to never be in my life. She's the wild ride I took once, and had enough of. The second time was but a crazier and wilder ride that took my lungs away. But as always, she and I were never meant to be. 

"My mind was all over the place, trying to be someone I thought you like." 

Dear you,

I'm messy, torn apart, uncertain in a million ways, and wild is but an understatement. I shift from love to hate in a matter of seconds because I've been taught to do that in the past year. My doors are left ajar for anyone who dare themselves to take up a challenge. I want change so great that even I'm afraid. I don't want anyone to come in, only to leave as soon as they have had enough of what I have to offer. And what I have to offer come and go in a matter of seconds. Dear you, I am made out of a thousand different versions of the past mes and the mes that I see myself to be one day. I will not only not work out smoothly, but I will also be your wildest nightmare. I am selfish, heartless, crazy, spontaneous, an emotional wreck, and I am not one for the future. Dear you, my wishes for the negatives always come true, one way or another. Please stop before I do anything stupid like Mosby you. 

Dreamer.

Day 24

"My mouth can't translate the things my heart says"

Uni, fucking, corn.

Let's move on, from the fairy fucking tales. Let's just settle down on the idea that we'll never find each other.

We'll forever be wandering them halls alone, them streets alone, sipping tea in the afternoon by the coffee shop alone. We'll find someone, we'll talk for abit. We'll both think that we're made to fit. Then like the rest of all things, time takes its toll. We begin to realize and put things on hold. 'Not for me', she thought to herself, as has she always. "She's great, I like her alot." he spilled the beans, to his friends over a couple of drinks. He said something one night, she read the text and never replied. His mind wrecked in the next couple of hours, days even, as he pondered over his words. She never text back, he said not another. He waited and waited, but never came her number. He loses all hope, she moved on to the next bloke. He shouted "NOT ANOTHER, NO MORE WILL THIS HAPPEN", his voice drowned by the fire alarm siren. He smoked his lungs out, he dried out his liver. He spent nights and days in the pub he never lingered. Those days are gone, he's finally moved on. It took him over a thousand replays on the same old song. "She's perfect for me", he whispered alone. Knowing not she'll one day be a past he'll once again look back on.

Something I still do every once in awhile. No where near Shakespeare, I know. I don't really give a fuck no more.

Not that crazy, not that funny. Not that interesting, not that cool. I'm not that.

It's not self destruction. That's not happening to me. Self destruction would mean giving up all of my beliefs. Like smoking; smoking cigarettes. Having one night stands. & all that. I'm not doing any of those. I'm merely heading out every god damn weekend to find fun elsewhere. To go out for a breather of some sort, because life is hard enough without work.

There's something special about people and parties. The way they all jump in sync. They way they all shout and scream. The smiles on their faces, the way their heart races. The kisses, the hugs, the sweat and the blood. Only time when worries and sorrows are all put aside. Jobs and schools are briefly forgotten. Smoke weed, drink booze, party like we've got nothing to lose.

"Don't depend too much on anyone in this world. Because even your own shadow leaves you when you are in darkness." -Ibn Taymiyyah

It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone. & they say it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.