I see fire.

"Write what should not be forgotten."

I don't think you know what you're getting into.
When you asked if I was ready for hardcore, I don't think you have the slightest clue how hardcore I can get when it comes to relationships.

Okay, so I've only been in one. But that doesn't take away the fact that I'd do pretty much anything for the right person.
Except asking me to get rid of my family and friends. Apart from that, everything else's pretty plausible.

I never thought we'd be where we are today. It never crossed my mind.
I guess that's Murphy's Law huh?
"Whatever can happen, will happen".

You are so scary. You are so wonderfully scary.
You have the wildest fire in you that I adore so much.
The way you'd touch me, and give me kisses when I least expect it from you. Words cannot begin to explain how loved you made me feel.

I never thought I'd be this lucky. And I thought I was lucky before.
But right there and then when you had me wrap my arms around you, all my scars were healed.
I don't know if you felt it, but my heart was pounding. My stomach, filled with butterflies, churned no more.
A million thoughts raced through my mind.
Two years. A thousand stories. Three tries. Twice my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach. Third the charm. And you thought you were a phase.


"No more Tinder?".
"From 10 girls to 1, you sure?".
Never been more sure. Like I told you, one is enough.

Distance is scary. Intimidation at its best.
Promises are sacred. Forbidden to be broken.
I will prove you wrong that if Tomorrowland really do happen, nothing stupid will happen. I like Caucasian girls, I must admit. But, cheesy like cheddar, I like you more.

Blessed.

Dear Robin,

This is but the beginning. And this is just a tiny portion of what goes on in my head. I honestly think you don't know what you're getting into. I'm one who either love too hard, or don't love at all. I know how hard it's going to get when you head to China. And it won't be the case of 'a change of letter and country'. If there's a will, there's a way. Thank you for coming back around and giving me a chance. I don't know which stars aligned whenever and however. But I'm eternally grateful to them. So if you're really ready for it, I hope you're going to stick around and let's go for broke. I want us to work. You're quite the special one.

- Courage


"I will write you like you're my last few words."

Old story books.

"People are poison, pow. People are poison. Never forget"

Don't blame me for constantly having different girls to worry over, because I was never this type of person to start with. Well, I guess to be fair, no one was.

You can't just come into my life, make me different, and leave. It doesn't work that way.

I'm not saying that you changed me, but you did play an important role over the past year that made me become who I am today.

Inked, your claim of my left wrist, I still wonder if I'll ever come to regret any of them.

I never forget. I just choose to not remember stuffs.

"Were you kidding about what you said of your ink?", she asked as she held onto my left wrist and looked at it.

I replied with a stern no, and sneaked a peek at her.

I don't know what was going through your mind when you asked me that, or what made you ask that question in the first place. 

Really am just holding on for the night.

I guess it worked eventually, didn't it? People have always been very visual creatures. And I guess getting inked really did turn things a little to my favour.

I can't let my mind go blank. Because that's when it all goes crazy.
It starts to wander, and wonder. It gets all messed up, thinking about every little thing.
Like, what she said that night. Or why didn't I do that. All the whys, whens, hows start pouring out.

I'm not saying I don't mean what I said a few months back. But feelings change, and people change. And at that moment, when you're not there for me nor were I for you, my heart tilted a little.

The world suddenly revolved no more around you, nor did it around anyone else. It just stood still, very still, and made me hella confused. You cannot just expect someone as stupid as me to not do stupid things like falling for you.

And no, I'm not actually all over you right now like I would be a few months back if this happened. I'm kind of proud at myself. About how good I'm keeping my emotions and feelings in check.

"The people who keep saying that they're fine, are usually the people who are not.". 
Well, I guess I'm not fine then.

But if third time really is the charm, then I dare you to come closer.

Making galaxies tonight.

"Vincent Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him. Many people thought he was mad and stupid for doing so, because the paint was toxic, never mind that it was obvious that eating paint couldn't possibly have any direct correlation to one's happiness, but I never saw that. If you were so unhappy that even the maddest ideas could possibly work, like painting the walls of your internal organs yellow, than you're going to do it. It's really no different from falling in love, or taking drugs. There is a greater risk of getting your heart broken, or overdosing, but people still do it everyday because there was always that chance it could make things better. Everyone has their own yellow paint."

I am but bones and questions.

"Are you an idiot?"

"No, sir, I'm a dreamer"

"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me they way I see myself."

I hate the beginning of anything new. The part where you yearn for the attention of the person you're talking to, though received, hardly comes easy. I don't like that feeling that you're often being forgotten, left at the back of their minds, only to be remembered when the night turns old.

The only real therapy right now for me is tattooing. I don't know why. It kinda takes my mind off of stuffs, and only concentrate on inking alone. Plus, the people there are really nice. Though heavily inked, they're pretty good people. & society tells us not to judge a book by its cover.

"Take shit in your stride."

But this situation I'm in, it's not all bad. It's making me grow. It's maturing me, mentally and emotionally. On one hand, I want to be single and live live without a care. But on the other, I want to be attached, tied down, and lead the couple life.

21 is a messy age for me. Everything's coming too quickly. The education of dollar bills and politics. Juggling time among family, friends and colleagues. Stepping into new relationships, meeting new people, trying stuffs out for the first time, taking risks, and all that shit. I was but a teenager a year ago. Society expect too much from 21 year olds.

I've also learnt to be straightforward this year. I'm going to risk losing P because I'm going to ask her something stupid but really important. I want to start 2014 afresh. If losing P is going to happen, I want it to happen before 2014. I want everything bad to stay in 2013. I'm crazy that way.

So here's to the last 5 days of 2013. Leave the bad stuffs behind. Let's move forward.

"I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore. It's hard to put into words, but I guess it's like I was fast asleep, and someone came, and disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling." - Hakuri Murakami

What I can't heal, I kill.

"Something new"

Finally did it, got labelled. Officially a dreamer, from now to forever.

Therapy is in session, have a seat.

To the 2013 me,

You've been nothing but a huge and utter disappointment. But it's okay, it's gonna be all over real soon. I really need you to learn. And also to grow. Learn to control your thoughts, learn how to control your anger. Grow to be a man, grow to be the person you've always wanted to be. 

Grow a safe and sane place in your mind, where you can reside every once in a while. Find that solitude, where you can hear no one but yourself and find peace with that. If you can't even learn to deal with your own mind, how are you ever going to help deal with the minds of others. 

Finding someone new hasn't been an easy task for you. Holding on to the same few people haven't been easy as well. 2013 was tough. The ending's a little mixture of bittersweet feeling. I don't know, it's hella confusing. 

Dear 2013 me, take good care of the new year. Be a different person, be a man. 22's coming real soon, and the road ahead's only going to get tougher. Better yourself for the future. Learn to listen more and speak less, please. Be more interesting too, get your shit together. 

To whoever is reading this,

I'm doing good. I've learnt that not every day is a good day, and like it, not every day is a bad day. This shit balances itself out. Sometimes you feel like you're on top of the world, but you can feel like you're having the shittiest day of your life the day after. That's life. Bad days don't last, neither do good days.

Still a lot on my mind. Taking a break for now.

Something old, something new.

"You can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tightly you hold on, it's already gone."

Nothing matter more to me now than these bunch of crazy nutsacks who chose the weirdest person to be their friend. 

I'm done thinking that there are other people who are going to even come to par with these few people. They've seen me at my worst, at my best, when I'm down, literally on my back in a pool of my own puke, and when I'm standing tall as a motherfucker because my growth spurt was crazy.

They've seen me when I was clean, and when I'm inked. When I was skinny as a motherfucker, and when they can't beat me at arm wrestling. They've seen it all. They know my family, I know theirs. It's tough to forge real friendships. It's rough to rough out and find out how different we all are, but still coming to terms with the differences and accepting all of the faults.  

But if that one day really comes when we find better people in our lives, and we go our separate ways, then we will be our very own something old. Go for that something new, go for that fresher, greener pasture that awaits. Because the past has passed, and like Barney Stinson said 'New is always better'. 

A few days back when I almost got myself paralyzed, I thought about alot of stuffs. When the Chinese doctor stuck the two long ass needles down the back of my palm, and twisted and turned them for a good 15 minutes, thoughts raced through my mind. 

"The little iron man in the family's cracking.". Tears kept flowing down my face because the pain was insane. I tried my best to keep them in, but it didn't work. I squirmed and kicked when the pain was too much, but I took it all in. I saw my dad in myself at that moment. I heard how my sister felt my pain when she tried holding me down, and how she made sounds you would make if you saw a woman give birth to a child. I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be great if I had a significant other by my side telling me it's gonna be all right". 

It's 30 days before 2014 kicks in. 2013 wasn't exactly what I wanted it to be. I thought 2013 would've been better. But it was one hell of an epic roller coaster ride which has made me learned a shit load of things. Maybe things will take a turn for the better. Maybe 2014 is the year where two wrongs make a right, where the opposites really do attract, and where all bad things do come to an end. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get back on track in life again. 

"Enough, they're enough & I'm happy with them".

"I'm not where I need to be, but thank god I'm not where I used to be"

They're all liars. Pretty little liars.

Gohardwellorgohome

Love's a joke. I really do think that.
Love don't last, because like us, it dies in the end.

Hardwell turnt the fuck up on Friday. It was balls. We went hard.



Jumped, screamed, shouted, pushed, stepped, raved, danced, pumped, swung, spun, hugged, singed and all that shit. We went in at 2030, squeezed to the front of the damn place, and stayed till 2320. Nearly three hours of non stop craziness and dehydration. I swear I came out feeling like I could fly. It was so addictive. To get lost in the music and atmosphere. Forgetting every damn thing for just that few hours, and feeling happy.

We're all masked motherfuckers. Forever lying our way through things. Thinking everything's gonna be alright, when in reality we're all messed up in our own little ways. We search for greater things in life. It's been summer for a very, very long time. I'm sick of the heat. I thought Friday changed the season, it felt that way for a moment. It's such a pleasant surprise to know that perhaps not all is lost. To be recognised, to feel that you're not all that bad.

 
Autumn, you're very much needed right now. You seemed right, at that time. I thought maybe you arrived just in time. You delayed yourself, that's alright. Just as long as you find your way through, I'll be here. Like I have been all these while. And if Summer's ever gonna return, it's all right. Nothing last, & such is life. We find, we lose, we move on and the cycle god damn repeats its fucking self till we die.

We're all lost souls searching for a place to hide. Ride out till the storm's gone. & if you are pleased, you can stay here forever. This hiding place is yours to keep.


I learn that I used to fucking love sadness. It's something I needed to feel every once in awhile to know that I'm still sane. But after 21 fucking years, happiness is taking the wheel. I lose myself in music, in a sea of strangers bobbing and jumping to the beat, feeling infinite. & at that time, I swear we were all immortals. Because, losing all hope was freedom. And I seek freedom in this life of mine.

Summer: Day 470

I blame you

For being so pretty.

I'm as superficial as the other girl is materialistic. I fall for pretty people, sue me.

You know this feeling you get, when you see someone you haven't met in awhile and they've changed so much in that amount of time, and you think to yourself "Where were you all these while?".

Sorry that you're really pretty to me, and that you've changed so much since the last time we met. And also that I fall for pretty people really easily, especially when they're nice to me. My sister's friend told her that she thought I was good looking, I blushed for three days. I still replay those words whenever I'm bored, because it's not a common thing for people to compliment me. I'm not used to it, so I keep it wayyy inside my mind, in a little happy place where good things are stored inside. That night was also the first time I've hugged a female friend so casually without any constraint or awkwardness. It came so naturally, like it should've been done a long time ago. You're probably not on the same frequency as I am, because you're probably used to these kind of things. But it's something new to me, and I love new things that are good. It's a really refreshing change, as compared to the past few months where I'd find some stupid sad quotes that'd keep me upset for the next few days, and I'm pretty happy right now. And that's all that matters.

I'm good looking... I'm still puzzled, but I guess I'd take it in my stride and keep it safe and sound where no one can use it against me. For now, life is a piece of unsolved, colorful puzzle, waiting for me to find the next piece to it.

This is the bunch of retards I love. 

Boy to man.

Good day to all of you. It's been awhile since I last visited this small space of mine.

A lot have changed since then. I've grown a little, mentally, physically, attitude wise and perspective of things. 2 weeks of confinement in the army camp was tough. I was home sick, physically pushed to the limit, and I believed I've more or less grown as a person.

A little about army life. I can't really post about detailed stuffs, because there are laws against it. So a little summary shall do.

We exercise, a lot. Three meals a day, but I feel that dinner is way too early because it's at 5-ish to 6. And we usually get hungry at 8 or 9 again. We sleep at 1030, and wakes up at 5. Commands have to be obeyed and standards must be met. If you think that you can get away with trivial stuffs like being late, or bringing your phone around with you, think again. There's a saying in camp, "Monkey see, monkey do", do what most people are doing and you're probably safe. 

I write stuffs during the free time we get in camp. Here are some "If you say less, you offend lesser people. Note to self 'Keep words in mind, shut the fuck up.' ". "The greatest mind of all time is no one else's but yours". "Persevere through the pain. Pain is temporary, glory is forever". "Falling is fine, just come back a stronger man". These type of things keep me going. Self motivation is important to me. Because if I can't even believe in myself, no one else can.

This was me, two weeks ago, just about to begin my army life.

A word of advice to all pre-enlistees, enjoy your civilian life to the maximum. It's a privilege to be a civilian, trust me. Also, push yourself to your limit, because only then will you know that that' your limit.

Okay, done with the army talk. Now about how my life has changed. 

The resolutions I made last year.

- Gain 10kilograms by August. That brings me to a healthy 65kg.
- Graduate by April with a GPA of 2.3.
- Do 15 pull ups at one go.
- Be more tolerant with every one.
- Learn to give more and expect less.
- Be less vocal.
- Learn to be a better listener.
- Do more charity

- Always give a helping hand to those in need.

I just realized I lost 2 kilograms in camp! So I'm only 58kg now. My GPA's below 2, so I failed that too. Um, 15 pull ups? EASY! I'm tolerating with a lot of people in camp, so I guess I'm doing well. 

Physically, I've become a tougher person. I can endure with the pain during long runs and I push myself to my limits every time we do upper body exercises. 

Also, I'm glad that I have someone to think about and text with in camp. That person shall be known as K. She's nice, and sweet. I've never actually liked talking on the phone, but we actually had a 45 minutes long conversation last week.

Also, I received my graduation's photo. 

Heading back to camp tomorrow. Time flies. 'Wake up a different person everyday.'
Till then.
-Eamon

What ifs.

Holiday insomnia strikes again. Posting at 4 in the morning can never be good.

Life's flashing by, literally. Ten days have passed since my graduation ceremony, and only seven days to go before I go bald. Kinda looking forward to days in the army, because I'll be able to train my physique.

Okay, back to the main topic of this post.
What ifs.


What if everything in the past worked out, where would I be now? What if I never met her, would my life be any different? What if I had died in one of the many accidents that had happened in the past weeks instead of the victims, would the worlds of many people change?


I was born a weak baby, and have ever since been a weak person. Therefore, death has always been on my mind. I'm always thinking of what would/could kill me, and when it would occur. And since my army days are nearing, and deaths occurrence has been really recent in the army, I'm afraid I might be the next casualty.


What if I really do die from training?
This blog will forever be dead, and as will I. Many people will be grieving, hopefully. People might rejoice, because training in the camp might be put on hold due to it. My room will be vacant for the next few months. My dog will no longer be able to take a whiff of my hands. The house will be quieter. My friends can say that they have lost a friend due to an accident. I might finally find out if there's life after death.

It's a really weird post, but these are thoughts that runs through my mind constantly throughout my existence.
CLICK . < This is a tumblr post that made me shed tear. Here's a little peek of the post.

"You're dead, you're gone. There is no going back, everything is over. You don't have to live in pain anymore, but everyone else will. What are your parents going to think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What are they going to do? You're gone, you're dead. There's no going back."

I'm writing this post for fun, not a serious 'will' or any post death instructions to people whom might be related. 

A tad too serious of a post? Have no fear, 9gag posts are here.

Cousin's new born.

Graduate lo!

Dear all, with a heavy heart, I hereby pronounce that I have officially graduated from Temasek Polytechnic.

 The past three years have been a blast, a chapter of my life I will certainly look back and smile at. These two cards have served me well, and I'm glad that I get to keep them as a memory. Never would I have imagined myself on the stage, receiving the certificate, or rather an empty booklet.

So here they are, the many pictures I took with the gown that made all of us look like we just came out from the Harry Potter movie.

So thankful for this piece of worthless paper.

Okay, I'm going to include some short descriptions about the people in the photos. Just thought I should let you know in advance.

FRIENDS.

Hafis

Or Muay Thai, as my mother would know him by. Can be considered as one of my closest friend in the whole of the three years. Never fail to help me whenever I need help or advice. A true friend that has always been a pillar of strength to all of us. Thank you for helping me clear my last academic semester with such awesome results. Couldn't ask for more from you. Continue wow-ing the world with the hidden talents and knowledge in you. \m/ on bro.

Firdaus

I also consider him to be one of my closest friend in TP. You probably can't see his physique, but he's got a pretty awesome body. Gym buddies for six months now, we got closer through the love of lifting weights and soccer. Always a funny person, his advice on relationships are really priceless to me. Thank you for being such a good buddy for all of us. Good luck with all the ladies.

Hadi

This matrep, Malay gangster, is also one of my closest friend. Yes, I have four closest friend, sorry to disappoint. He's my first friend in Temasek Polytechnic, and he's also the last one I said goodbye to yesterday. Never afraid to lend a hand in fights, or arguments, my admiration for his courage has never been in doubt. Y'know, he's also a pretty hardworking fella too. Oh, and I introduced his first, and current, girlfriend too. You're welcome buddy. Last long, take care, and stay out of trouble. I'll always be here for you bro.

Faiz and Hadi

Faiz, guy on the left, is the class clown. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because he's always trying to make everyone's day a better one. Study sessions with him made me realized that he has a serious side too. Though he can be really irritating at times, he's a quite a nice person to hang out with. One piece of advice, crack lesser jokes and you'll do fine. Keep making everyone laugh bro. 

Jessica, or Yue Ming.

This girl has been my friend for 5 years now. It's such a coincidence that our graduation ceremony took place on the same day. Congratulations to us both for graduating on the same day! Cheerios.

Pops, mom.

Pops, mom, eldest sister.

Christopher, sister's boyfriend.

Pop's "The fuck, my son graduated!?" look.

Proud mom, I presume.

As expected, the graduation ceremony bored most of us to death. For most part, only a handful of parents clapped when a graduand went up to receive their empty 'certificate-holding' booklet. I wasn't feeling nervy or excited about it at first, but when my turn came, my palms began sweating and my heart beat faster. And as my name was pronounced as 'Po Yemen', instead of 'POW E-mon', I hung my head in disappointment and trudged my way towards the lady giving out the booklet. The hall was relatively silent, and a few chuckles could be heard. And that was it.

The whole 'hoo-ha' about graduation ceremonies boiled down to the few seconds one set foot on the stage. And after that, a few photos and a few grab of finger food from the buffet tables and that was it! 

The end of this chapter. Moving on to the next on 7th June. Stay tuned.

Expiration dates.

Friendships, relationships, milk, bread. They all have it- expiration dates.

In May 3rd's post, Habits die hard, the friendship I hope will go the distance, just expired. You must be thinking 'What!? Why?', or not, but I can only tell you I have no clue either.

My whole life is an expiration date. I'm a pessimist, and I'm already used to the fact that nothing good is going to happen to me. So when the friendship expired, I was naturally upset at first, but I came to realize that a pessimist should never be upset at his loss. Because the pessimist I am is already used to such things, I'm already immune to it. Only when things go my way, then will I be afraid.


So I'm really trying to move on, but it's harder than you think. So if you're in the same shoes as I am, here's a little gif to help you get past it.

Hanging on to the past does no one good. Say goodbye to yesterday, greet today with a smile, and prepare for tomorrow. This therapy blog of mine always does wonders when my mom's too busy for little chit chats.

'If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this.', 'All those fairy tales are full of shit. One more fucking love song, I'll be sick'. 

 You can see why I like this song. Pessimistic lyrics grow on me.

Also, fuck the general stereotypical idea on how to live life.

Because you waste time doing what people expect you to do, you
wind up not having lived life the way you planned in your mind

One thing that I was glad for did happen this week. 

Received a letter from Marie, my penpal. I'm really glad I have a pen pal like her. I don't know what else could have put a smile on my face this week other than this.

You can't expect me to be fine, I don't expect you to care. - Maroon 5; Payphone
Really glad this week is over.