Dream Diary

"I give a fuck. I give lots of fuck, actually. I'm a prostitute of feelings."

It was but a normal routine of checking stuffs out on my phone right until the moment before I doze off into happyland. Then my phone lit up as I set it down, preparing to rest. Your name popped up, not once, not twice, but half a dozen times. "*** reblogged your post on tumblr" x 6. And then a snapchat of nothing but the words 'Night mozzie lover' came and it made me chuckle a little. I set it down once again and snoozed into home.

It was me, you, and Leon, riding at the back of my dad's van. I persuaded my dad to fetch you home in the middle of the night. And that was just the beginning of every thing weird that happened in the dream. 

Upon reaching the foot of your block, I accompanied you to your door step. Things got mad weird. You opened the doors to your dad throwing things from his room, and your mom sobbing uncontrollably. You took off to your room, telling me with your derp language "much yellingz", and many other funky words which I don't remember. I walked in to see how you were doing and just happened to stand in the firing range of lamps, books and cups being thrown at my direction. Your dad was hysterical at this moment. You ran out of your house and I followed you. 

Crazily, a chair followed me. Your dad had flung a chair at me, and it got me right smack at my back. Me, being the crazy fellow that I have become, picked it up and challenged him to throw more stuffs at me. But before he could do anything, I broke the chair through my head and my ears buzzed soon after. He was shocked, and started to calm down. I took him in to one of your house's rooms, and talked to him. I can't vividly remember the full conversation, but I managed to talk some sense into him and he told me about stuffs. I said something along the line of "Young adults are meant to be wild and free", and "Don't hold it against her(You), she's just lost". I went out to look for you at the corridor and you hugged me. While walking towards the lift, you told me "你是我的英雄 2, because the first one was my ex. Thank you". We hugged again on the way down in the lift and I took the chance to kiss you. It calmed my nerves and it felt right. 

Your dad joined us at the void deck moments later and we started looking for something. He shared stories with me, and said something crazy to either you or thin air, because I'm sure it wasn't me. "He's the type of guy you want to marry. He protected you from the chair, and stood up for you. While your ex just looked for solutions to calm me down without actions. He's the type of guy you want to marry in the future". And that was too much for me to take in, and then I woke up.

A's gone and will never return. I will turn down A every god damn time, because she's damned by the gods to never be in my life. She's the wild ride I took once, and had enough of. The second time was but a crazier and wilder ride that took my lungs away. But as always, she and I were never meant to be. 

"My mind was all over the place, trying to be someone I thought you like." 

Dear you,

I'm messy, torn apart, uncertain in a million ways, and wild is but an understatement. I shift from love to hate in a matter of seconds because I've been taught to do that in the past year. My doors are left ajar for anyone who dare themselves to take up a challenge. I want change so great that even I'm afraid. I don't want anyone to come in, only to leave as soon as they have had enough of what I have to offer. And what I have to offer come and go in a matter of seconds. Dear you, I am made out of a thousand different versions of the past mes and the mes that I see myself to be one day. I will not only not work out smoothly, but I will also be your wildest nightmare. I am selfish, heartless, crazy, spontaneous, an emotional wreck, and I am not one for the future. Dear you, my wishes for the negatives always come true, one way or another. Please stop before I do anything stupid like Mosby you. 

Dreamer.

Day 24

"My mouth can't translate the things my heart says"

Not again..

Yesterday night was one of the best night I have ever lived.
We met up, I don't know how, we just did.
We rode a scooter and you sat behind me.
You have never been on a bike before, as the passenger, so I held your legs and taught you where to place them. The moment our skins touched, it felt like magic. There were sparks inside of me, bursting with happiness.

It was sweet, it was romantic, and it was only just a dream.
Why do I keep dreaming of you. I didn't even look at your picture before going to sleep, yet you still appeared in my dream.
Were you thinking of me? I hope not, because if the rumors were true, you have a boyfriend.

It's stupid how these dreams are the only sweet memories of us.

I miss you, I really do.

Midnight meetings.

Seems like everytime I think of you before I go to sleep, you'll somehow appear in my dream. The other time I dreamt of you, you were suffering. I wanted to help you, but somehow I couldn't. I saw the look on your face, it felt so real. And I even met your sister. Even though I don't know how she look like in person, I've met her already. I bet she's adorable like how I dreamt her to be.

Everytime I tell myself to forget about you and move on, there will be things that keep pulling me back. They keep telling me that you're worth the wait, and that you'll accept me eventually. I try so hard not to be the pessimist I am, but it's beyond my will.

Your birthday is not till 2 months, but I've already planned on getting you something. I even thought of the way I want everything to go. I've heard that girls like guys to give them stuffs infront of their friends. I know it will be really awkward and not the kind of stuff I will do for anyone. But for you, I'm willing to get out of my comfort zone.


It's been over a year now. Time flies even when we're not having fun. If only you knew how much and how deep I've fallen for you. If only you knew..

Too real for comfort.

I had the worst nightmare yesterday. I dreamt that I killed two guys. Yeah I killed them.

I think I stabbed them in the back when they were doing something. And I was thinking of ways to dispose of their bodies. Eventually I threw them down the rubbish chute and the waiting begun. What was I waiting for? I was waiting for the police to find me.

Because no one ever get away with murder. Even if they do get away, they'll probably drive themselves crazy because they took two innocent lives away without authority.

And while I was waiting, I was actually thinking if I should go down to the dumpster and try and burn their bodies or bury them. And I thought to myself, what if the garbage man had already found the bodies and called the police? Then I should probably run away. And what if I get caught? I would have to go to jail and get caned in the ass. Or worse, I would get the death penalty. I was driving myself crazy in the dream. So crazy that when I wake up, I thought it was happening for real. I felt the rush in my body, the agonizing wait that I had to go through, the millions of thoughts that were running through my mind.

When I woke up, I was so glad it wasn't real. And all these while I thought that killing people would be so easy. What an unpleasant surprise.

I broke down; tears were found.

I actually cried my heart out today. The last time I cried was last year if I'm not wrong. I dreamt that my dad wanted me dead and things he said in the dream felt so real.
But today was different. I cried because I lost it, I felt so helpless. I cried because of my 'friends'. I remember the last time I cried over my friends was way back in 2008. The problem with me is that I tend to befriend people who have no friends. I hate seeing people get beat down, so I always help those that needed a hand. But I guess no one is willing to reach out to me. No matter how many times I've fallen in my life, my mom was always the one that helped me back up. No one else, just my mom. She's my pillar, I don't know what kind of a person I would be today if she wasn't there to guide me along.

So I got home with a troubled mind, and thoughts of suicide and killing people. I told my mom I wanted to kill somebody, and she sat me down and talked to me. I teared when she started, and burst into tears soon after. I couldn't control my emotions, they overwhelmed me and took me by surprise. I thought I was strong enough, it seems like I am not. So from today onwards, I'm just going to do my shit and go home. I ain't going to tell nobody shit, I'm just going to take full responsibility for every action I take. If this is how my life is going to be, I accept reality. Maybe my mom was right all the while, maybe I can trust only so few people.

Morale of the story. I hate people, and people hate me. Maybe that's why I always roll alone. Maybe people hate me more than I hate them.

Dream and reality.

Dear girl, I dreamt of you again. This time, we were leaning by our shoulders. We sat side by side, sweet as sugar. I felt your shoulders, against mine. I swear it felt so real, I wouldn't mind living on in that dream forever.

And that CD that you want, Imma get it for you. But there's one thing I'm not sure of. I don't know if I should stuff it inside your letter box, and remain anonymous. Or should I give it to you upfront. I asked a female friend of mine, how would she feel if someone was to stuff something she have always wanted into her letter box and remained anonymous. She said she would be thankful, and that gesture would be really sweet.

But then again, I showed my mom her tumblr, and asked her what should I do. She asked me to give it to her upfront. It might even help this strained friendship out.

It's been a year now. Time flies. I still miss you.

Dreams.

I had the scariest dream yesterday.
I've never had too many friends, so when one of the good ones come, it's natural for them to leave in a jiffy.

Back to the dream. My friend, Khairul, was stabbed in his chest and died. I was broken, I ran after the guy who stabbed my friend. I chased him for so long, I cried and screamed while I was chasing. That emotion, felt so real, I swear I thought it was really happening. Nothing could've changed the outcome, my friend died, thankfully it was only a dream.

I really don't know what would become of me, if one of my close friend died.
I would tell you more, but it would make the post too wordy, and the rest of the dream is too draggy.
If you haven't listen to the song, "I Need A Doctor Feat Eminem & Skylar Grey By Dr. Dre", you should really go and listen to it. The emotion Eminem brings to the song, just make me speechless. If you watch the video, you can see how agitated Eminem is when he raps. It's like his expressing himself when he's rapping.
-All I know is, you came when I was at my lowest. -Eminem