Cleansing my soul

"Here comes the feeling you thought you had forgotten."

There are times when I catch myself daydreaming, and drifting into wonderland.
The past where we held hands, walked down the streets of other countries, carefree and in love.

There are times when I wake from dreams, instead of nightmares.
But recently, there are more of the latter and then I realise I'm actually living the real deal.
I wake up from a heartache, from you telling me we're done. To waking up, and feeling the actual heartache, and knowing the fact that we are in fact, done.

I'm beginning to smile.
Slowly, I'm beginning to smile again.
I found something great again.
The feeling of resting a tired body from work and gym onto a cold mattress.
That's how little I'm living for right now, but that's all I'm looking forward to in this pile of mess.

I realised all the dumb things I've been doing.
I'm done with all of them dumb things.
I really am.


I never told you that you left a lipstick stain on my cabinet mirror.
I never cleaned that away, because I thought it would be funny to show it to you in person.
And now, I will never get the chance to and I don't feel like cleaning it away.

Everyday before I leave for work, or wherever, I would look at that mark and think about how great we once had it.
Really. We had it GREAT.
We had so much planned.
Just thinking about them put a smile on my face.

But a few of my friends are going through the same thing.
And I guess my situation isn't as bad as how they have it.
But that doesn't take away the fact that this still hurt like paper cuts on my heart.

It's going to take time huh?
Lots of it ain't it?

In the meantime, I'm going to do me and get ready for life.
Get bigger, get stronger, build higher walls, prepare for tougher falls.
Eat better, act smarter, talk lesser and act way more.
Talk to a few, talk to a few more. But nothing more.
Stop chasing, stop chasing. Stop chasing Pow, stop chasing.
I mean it. Stop chasing.
It's not going to help you. So stop chasing.
Pay your bills, travel the world.
Finish the chest piece, conquer your own world.
Run that mile you've been thinking of.
It's okay if you fall.
Get back up by yourself.
Because at the end of the day. All you have is you and you.
Don't depend on nobody anymore.
Start living. Stop dreaming.

Talking to the waves

"I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed, and that necessary."


My fucking god, I miss you.
I went to the park alone, in the early evening, before the sun set.
I sat on the rocks alone, and my mind ran free.

I looked out at the open sea, and I cannot help but wish you were there with me.

My nose was runny from the cold wind, and my eyes started to tear a little. 

My god, do I miss you.

I've been having so many dreams about you.

Every time I wake from them, my heart die a little.

I miss the way we would text.

I miss you in every way possible.

I never thought of myself as someone who would take love for granted.

And I guess that's exactly what I did.

I want nothing more than a strong mind, and a willing heart to tough out the rough together.

I'm not saying that you didn't try your best. You did, and I know I was a tough person to love. You were nothing but happiness I never took in fully.

"How can you forget a living human being?"

I pushed you too far away.

I made you negative. 

I took your 'never letting go' for granted and made you want to let go.

I know. I really do.

I.. wish I could turn back time and learn to appreciate your love.

I've never been happier than when I was with you.

I wish we could still talk about our future together, and create dreams together. 

Fuck this is too tough. 

I don't think I will be moving on any time soon.

You're an act too tough to follow.

You made me believe in myself enough to think that maybe I have a future outside of airforce.

Yes I'm putting you on a pedestal, never took you down from it since day 1.

There's nothing left to love in me. 

You have given up on me, and I feel like doing the same to myself too.

I'm not gonna, but it's difficult not to.

But know that if ever you need a listening ear, or a scrawny shoulder to lean on.

Or a hard bed, and a thin blanket to hide in. 

Maybe a car ride out to nothingness, or a plane ride out for adventure.

Should you ever need arms to run into and bury your head in an uneven chest.

I will always be here for you.

I am not much and I doubt I will ever be. But you know that I will always do my best for you.

"I fell in awe 

with the way

you once wanted me.

I am sorry a thousand times

if the way my lips shake 

did not make you quiver,

are the withdrawals setting in?

They say true love is poetry,

but I have not felt it lately.

It has come up in dabs and drabs

and burns like lies.

It has felt a lot like

my fifth watered-down drink

at a busy bar

when I just want to go home.

It has felt a lot like

the silhouette of your body

the empty bed makes.

I miss you weight..

And I miss your love.."

Day 436

"How I wish I could pour my soul out to you, and not scare you away".

Day 436..
I still can't believe we're over.
I keep telling myself that it's okay, I'm okay. But I don't think I am.
I'm lost. I actually tried to bring my plate to shower with me.

I missed your lips and your hugs. I missed your smell and your touch.
I missed looking at you and think "Everything is going to be alright".

I felt everything yesterday.
When you hopped into the car, everything felt right again.
You sat there smiling at me.
I found it again. I found my happiness.
I forgot, for a moment, how shitty the past month was.
You looked amazing.

I thought everything was great.
You hugged my arms, rubbed your head against mine..
The feelings came back.
And when I asked if I could kiss you, and you let me..
How wonderful that feeling was.
I felt like we were invincible again.

All the little things.
The way you shared the last piece of chicken nugget with me.
The way you kissed my neck.
The way you looked at me when we kissed.
Why.


I miss the smell of your room.
When you turn the lights off and we would hide under the sheets.
My arms tucked under your head, falling asleep together.

I miss your kisses already.
The way you would give me surprise attacks with your lips.

I miss your eyes.
Your beautiful eyes.
When they stare at me, right into my soul.
I never liked eye contact, but not with you.
I could stare at them forever.

I miss your touch.
The way your hands run around me, tickling me unknowingly.

I miss how you wanted me.
How you would ask me not to let you go home alone.
And we would spend the night in each others arms.

I miss giving you compliments.
I miss seeing you happy when you get off work, and I would fetch you home to dinner.
The simple stuff.

I miss you.

I lost you in the middle of it all.
I'm sorry I held you back.
I'm sorry my words were never encouraging.
I'm sorry I was - and you were +.
I'm sorry I made you feel like you were moving back, not forward in life.
I'm sorry for being a bad boyfriend.
I'm sorry I never lived up to your expectations and disappointed you in so many ways.
I made you want to leave, and I'm sorry for all that.


I broke. The tears kept flowing.
I couldn't control my emotions anymore.
I lost the fight.
I need a break from this.
I'm so tired I feel like I can sleep forever and wake up to you again.
But I cannot and life goes on.


I've always taken you for granted and this is karma.



Pow, you won.

You got what you deserve.

Congratulations.

Talking to the stars.

Hi Universe,

I need to have a little talk with you.
I've been having sleepless nights, and draggy mornings.
I lost her. In the midst of everything, I've lost her.

I guess I forgot how to love her. She left..
I pushed her away didn't I?
I guess somewhere in the middle of it all, we got lost and forgot how to return to each other..

I've lost my happy, Universe.
I've lost it..

Love is not perfect.

& like it or not, that is fine. 

No one ever told me how a relationship would pan out.

And even if they did, they never told me to prepare for what I got myself into.

To see the back of her leaving for the departure hall and leaving you behind for 10 months, no one told me it would get so difficult.
Communication break down, arguments and what nots make things even harder than it already is,
With no physical presence, we seek comfort by video calling each other every now and then.

And then I visited her in China. How great a break that was for the both of us. To indulge entirely within each other. To embrace each other every single day and night. To be able to sleep and cuddle each other in bed. It felt too much like a dream.
And like every other dream, we woke up.
Back to reality and seven more gruelling months to endure.

I never thought it would get this hard.
I never thought love was not perfect.
I've always had this idea that everything would go smoothly, and everything's sweet and colourful and story-like.
Never have I been so wrong.


Love is nothing like what we read or see. Whatever photo shows, there are a million things that it doesn't. The many small arguments, the huge fights, the tears and the shouts. The anger and disappointments are unseen. And I guess that's what love is.

With the good, comes the bad. And I'm so glad we always make up at the end of the day. Because at the end of the day, I know I can always run back to you and feel safe and so can you.
It's what makes us strong and what makes us weak. Makes us vulnerable but also invincible. It's both a curse and a blessing to love, and I want every thing it offers.
I don't need a fairytale, I just need a very true and raw relationship. A girl who is willing to give her all to make me a part of her life.

And I don't want anyone else but you. I want to go through the good and the bad with you. The happy and the sad. I want to learn to compromise, be a better person, a better boyfriend and hopefully in the future, a better husband. I want to grow old with you and to make both of us better human beings. I want to learn and relearn everything I know with you.

I don't want this love of ours to die. We have barely started a fire that I hope will burn eternally. So please bear with me. I really cannot wait for you to come back home to me.


I love you.

PS: It's been awhile since I last wrote, I am a little rusty. But I'll be back for more.

Love is a journey...

"Love is a marathon I cannot see myself running with anyone else but you"

Latching on to you. Too late for regrets my dear. I'm in too deep, and I hope you are too.

To have someone who is proud of you, to never hide you away from anyone, I think that is the best feeling ever. I've never felt so loved before, and I mean it.

Message from P

Message from P

Message from P

Message from P

I love the way she'd send me a few texts at one go.
And just by the way my phone vibrates when the texts are received, I would immediately know who they're from.
"Goodmorning baby."
"I love you.".
These words have never been spoken so comfortably before. It feels so right, just like home.

There are a million gifts I have yet to give you, kisses to drown you in love so deep you rightfully deserve.

Words cannot begin to express how happy that you are now finally in my life. I've waited and chased for so long, you have no clue how much you mean to me. And even now that you're in my arms, hopefully forever, sometimes I still wake up feeling like it's all but a dream. 

I don't immediately realise this, but right now, I feel a little ache in my heart. 

"I'm too crazy right?"

"Will you still love me after seeing all my nonsense"

"Am I too loud?"

Who was the one who made you feel that way? Who told you to tone down, to not flail your arms around like a little kid whenever you're happy? Who told you to smile a little lesser, to keep your happiness inside of you? Who told you to never dance funny, to never grin like a child? 

You are everything I cannot be. Everything I've been searching for. And I love you more, now that I've seen those quirky sides of yours. 

I love it when Taylor Swift's 'Shake it off' comes on the radio, and you get your groove on. I cannot keep my eyes on the road, because I want to see how you dance silly.

I love how you make sudden hand movements when you tell stories, because that's how you express yourself. 

I love how you laugh so uncontrollably when something funny happens, or when you find me funny. 

I love you more than you will ever know.

I'm the opposite of everything you are. And I guess that's what everyone need in life. A little bit of the opposite. Like how you need a little light, if you're too dark. How you need a little laughter if you frown too much. A little sun after the rain, a little warmth in the cold.

You are, a cinema. I could watch you forever.

Dear Robin,

 Thank you for the past two months, they have been more than lovely. Every minute spent with you, no matter how tired I am from work, is worth it. You have given nothing but love to me. To have finally found someone who love you back as much as you love them, is the greatest gift of all. And for that, I am thankful to finally have you in my arms. Smothering you with kisses till the end of time. To never make you doubt my love I have for you, and to never have you feel less than what you are. To the moon and back my love, to the deepest of seas, to the darkest of caves, I will love you.

- em

"Wait for someone that makes you smile so hard your cheeks hurt and loves you so much that you can feel it through their fingertips when they brush the hair out of your face and lean in to kiss you. Don't you dare accept anything less."

I see fire.

"Write what should not be forgotten."

I don't think you know what you're getting into.
When you asked if I was ready for hardcore, I don't think you have the slightest clue how hardcore I can get when it comes to relationships.

Okay, so I've only been in one. But that doesn't take away the fact that I'd do pretty much anything for the right person.
Except asking me to get rid of my family and friends. Apart from that, everything else's pretty plausible.

I never thought we'd be where we are today. It never crossed my mind.
I guess that's Murphy's Law huh?
"Whatever can happen, will happen".

You are so scary. You are so wonderfully scary.
You have the wildest fire in you that I adore so much.
The way you'd touch me, and give me kisses when I least expect it from you. Words cannot begin to explain how loved you made me feel.

I never thought I'd be this lucky. And I thought I was lucky before.
But right there and then when you had me wrap my arms around you, all my scars were healed.
I don't know if you felt it, but my heart was pounding. My stomach, filled with butterflies, churned no more.
A million thoughts raced through my mind.
Two years. A thousand stories. Three tries. Twice my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach. Third the charm. And you thought you were a phase.


"No more Tinder?".
"From 10 girls to 1, you sure?".
Never been more sure. Like I told you, one is enough.

Distance is scary. Intimidation at its best.
Promises are sacred. Forbidden to be broken.
I will prove you wrong that if Tomorrowland really do happen, nothing stupid will happen. I like Caucasian girls, I must admit. But, cheesy like cheddar, I like you more.

Blessed.

Dear Robin,

This is but the beginning. And this is just a tiny portion of what goes on in my head. I honestly think you don't know what you're getting into. I'm one who either love too hard, or don't love at all. I know how hard it's going to get when you head to China. And it won't be the case of 'a change of letter and country'. If there's a will, there's a way. Thank you for coming back around and giving me a chance. I don't know which stars aligned whenever and however. But I'm eternally grateful to them. So if you're really ready for it, I hope you're going to stick around and let's go for broke. I want us to work. You're quite the special one.

- Courage


"I will write you like you're my last few words."

Poison

"While I admire the way you love so true and deep, I can't help but want to warn you about the road ahead. You, who gives your all in the relationship, are the one who is going to get hurt the most when the relationship fail. So please, before you love so true, I hope you're not the only one who's putting your heart on your sleeve."



Love can either ruin you, or save you.
And I guess people are always hoping for the latter.
Everyone's so quick and willing to be held hostage. To let their guard down, the walls they've spent an eternity building, and be left vulnerable. The thrill, the roller coaster ride of heaven and hell.
The thing they promised themselves they would never do again after the last failed relationship; trust.

To put your heart on your sleeve, you're giving the person the chance to either hold onto it forever and safe guard it in the deepest corner of their heart, or the opportunity to break it into a million pieces.

I've been thinking. What is love if it's not all.
What is it if you're always wondering if there's a chance that it might fail?
What is it if you're afraid that they're gonna do the same thing your past people did to you?
I apologise to those I've told to hold back. To never give in their all.
To always stand a little on the safer side, just to make sure they won't get hurt.

I'm sorry. I was wrong.

But it is also absolutely wonderful knowing that you have a secret place to go to.
A person to run to at the end of a terrible day. Spill every heartburn issue you have to them, and have them share the same pain as you felt. Or joy, whichever the case.
To let a little light in to the darkest corners of your soul. Maybe for a while, or maybe forever.
The secrets spilled, never returned because you know they're worth the risk.

Love is nothing, if it's not all.

Give your all. Feel the pain. Feel the thrill of having another soul, intertwine with yours.
Promise them that your heart is theirs, as long as their heart is yours.
Go for that insanely impossible love story you only read about in books. You can only hope for the best, and never praying for the worst.

Put your heart on your sleeve. Let your walls down. Love hard, love true, love deep.

"It's all or nothing, no place in between"