Day 436

"How I wish I could pour my soul out to you, and not scare you away".

Day 436..
I still can't believe we're over.
I keep telling myself that it's okay, I'm okay. But I don't think I am.
I'm lost. I actually tried to bring my plate to shower with me.

I missed your lips and your hugs. I missed your smell and your touch.
I missed looking at you and think "Everything is going to be alright".

I felt everything yesterday.
When you hopped into the car, everything felt right again.
You sat there smiling at me.
I found it again. I found my happiness.
I forgot, for a moment, how shitty the past month was.
You looked amazing.

I thought everything was great.
You hugged my arms, rubbed your head against mine..
The feelings came back.
And when I asked if I could kiss you, and you let me..
How wonderful that feeling was.
I felt like we were invincible again.

All the little things.
The way you shared the last piece of chicken nugget with me.
The way you kissed my neck.
The way you looked at me when we kissed.
Why.


I miss the smell of your room.
When you turn the lights off and we would hide under the sheets.
My arms tucked under your head, falling asleep together.

I miss your kisses already.
The way you would give me surprise attacks with your lips.

I miss your eyes.
Your beautiful eyes.
When they stare at me, right into my soul.
I never liked eye contact, but not with you.
I could stare at them forever.

I miss your touch.
The way your hands run around me, tickling me unknowingly.

I miss how you wanted me.
How you would ask me not to let you go home alone.
And we would spend the night in each others arms.

I miss giving you compliments.
I miss seeing you happy when you get off work, and I would fetch you home to dinner.
The simple stuff.

I miss you.

I lost you in the middle of it all.
I'm sorry I held you back.
I'm sorry my words were never encouraging.
I'm sorry I was - and you were +.
I'm sorry I made you feel like you were moving back, not forward in life.
I'm sorry for being a bad boyfriend.
I'm sorry I never lived up to your expectations and disappointed you in so many ways.
I made you want to leave, and I'm sorry for all that.


I broke. The tears kept flowing.
I couldn't control my emotions anymore.
I lost the fight.
I need a break from this.
I'm so tired I feel like I can sleep forever and wake up to you again.
But I cannot and life goes on.


I've always taken you for granted and this is karma.



Pow, you won.

You got what you deserve.

Congratulations.