I actually cried my heart out today. The last time I cried was last year if I'm not wrong. I dreamt that my dad wanted me dead and things he said in the dream felt so real.
But today was different. I cried because I lost it, I felt so helpless. I cried because of my 'friends'. I remember the last time I cried over my friends was way back in 2008. The problem with me is that I tend to befriend people who have no friends. I hate seeing people get beat down, so I always help those that needed a hand. But I guess no one is willing to reach out to me. No matter how many times I've fallen in my life, my mom was always the one that helped me back up. No one else, just my mom. She's my pillar, I don't know what kind of a person I would be today if she wasn't there to guide me along.
So I got home with a troubled mind, and thoughts of suicide and killing people. I told my mom I wanted to kill somebody, and she sat me down and talked to me. I teared when she started, and burst into tears soon after. I couldn't control my emotions, they overwhelmed me and took me by surprise. I thought I was strong enough, it seems like I am not. So from today onwards, I'm just going to do my shit and go home. I ain't going to tell nobody shit, I'm just going to take full responsibility for every action I take. If this is how my life is going to be, I accept reality. Maybe my mom was right all the while, maybe I can trust only so few people.
Morale of the story. I hate people, and people hate me. Maybe that's why I always roll alone. Maybe people hate me more than I hate them.
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